Eight…..8…..Eight…..

This has to stop. I wish I had a pause button. I wish I could gather the young people that are hurting tonight and give them a warm meal, a hug and a safe place to lay their head. I wish a city in western ND didn’t have to bury the 8th student this school year. 8. Yes, you read that correctly, Eight Kids. Mental health. Car accidents. Murder. Illness. Suicide. 8.

That’s 8 less future carpenters, doctors, parents, engineers, life-savers. 8.

How many more I ask?

This is one town. In one state. In one Country. Think about that. Start doing some basic math, even if it was as low as 8 per state that still makes 400 student deaths. In one school year. A cure for cancer? Might have just died. A fix for global warming? Might have just died. The chef for you 80th Birthday party? Might have just died.

How many more I ask?

“Kids have it so easy today. Kids today are so spoiled. Kids need better parents. It’s social media’s fault. It’s all the smart phones. It’s the lack of hard, physical work. These kids just need some good, old fashioned discipline.”

Have you heard any of these? Have you said any of these?

Mental health issues suck. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. Feeling lost and alone sucks. Addiction sucks. As an adult with coping skills and a strong network of friends these things suck. Imagine as a kid without a strong family or without friends and certainly without some of the coping skills. You just went to the next level of “sucks.” But Death is worse.

Do you ever gather around the water cooler or break room table at work and someone comments that they are really struggling right now with anxiety? Doubtful. If someone did, would they receive support? Blank stares? Or perhaps a comment like “Oh suck it up! Put on your Big-Girl-Panties!”

Do you ever ask for recommendations for a good car mechanic? How about a dentist? Eye doctor? Restaurant? Movie reviews?

What about recommendations for a good therapist or counselor or psychologist, psychiatrist, life-coach?

Why is it so easy to ask and answer the first list of questions? Why don’t we ever ask or answer the second list? Are they not just as important? Or even MORE important?

My Tattoo from this summer. Purple for epilepsy awareness, green for Cerebral Palsy awareness, Defy Normal cuz that is what our household does.

8 Potential film directors. 8 potential restaurant owners. 8 potential therapists. 8 potential Police Officers. Gone.

When will we take action? at 10? or 12? or is it 25? 100? How many youth need to die before you decide to make a difference? Does it have to be your child? What if your loved one becomes number 9 or number 10 or number 100? Does it matter then?

How is it that we have gotten so far down this road that life does not matter any more? How is it that it is more important to have a positive image in the eyes of a friend or family member or your supervisor or your employer than it is to take care of one another?

What are you going to do? Anything? Nothing? You say it’s not your problem. Oh but it is. If you make the wise-cracks at work about kids these days, you are part of the problem. If you are the boss or the employer that is so rigid that an employee is scared to take time off to see their therapist or counselor, you are part of the problem. If you believe that the next generation should just conform to how things have always been, you are part of the problem. If you see and acknowledge the problem but still choose to do nothing, you are still part of the problem.

If you are raising young people, HUG them, love them, give them boundaries. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE. Go out for ice cream or a frappuccino. Listen to them. Engage in what is important to them. Have some house rules and stick to them. Eat together. At a table. With no phones. Try it once….you might enjoy it. (PS doesn’t matter what you eat, take-out, cereal or a four-course meal!)

If you are not currently raising young people, get involved. Volunteer. Maybe it is to read a book to an elementary class. Maybe it is to teach a skill to a school group. Maybe you ask a youngster to help you learn your new smartphone. Show-up. Go to the basketball game. Congratulate the kid that scored. Volunteer at your local church. Mentor someone. Listen. Be the one that kid number 9 can call when they feel they have no place else to turn. Be the hug or the warm meal or a safe place to sleep.

Smile. Complement a stranger. Help a stranger. Forgive. Such a small word. Such a big impact. If someone did you wrong – forgive them. (You will never forget, but you can forgive.) There is this magical power that comes from forgiveness. It is a weight off your shoulders. That makes you a little lighter in your step.

Be kind. Every person has their own set of struggles and quite frankly you have no idea how big or small they might be. Saying “Good Morning” or opening a door or sometimes just listening can be the life vest of hope that one person needs. Because “kids these days” are watching. What you do at the grocery store, just might inspire a kid to do the same. And that may be the difference in saving number 9.

Since I started writing this a few days ago, it came to my attention that on a slippery Friday night in ND an older gentleman fell and his wife wasn’t able to help him up. She came across two high school boys and asked if they could help. Without a second thought, they did. No recognition wanted or needed. Just doing what was right. Kids these days.

Lets stop at 8. YOU can make a difference.

• Is it too risky to help someone?
• Is it too risky to save a life?
• Is saving one life worth it?

Till next time, be kind.

Deb

This tree is a favorite of so many people that grew up driving this gravel road. It stands alone, but it stands. It has faced many, many storms but still stands.

Girlfriends. Peeps. Tribe.

Girlfriends. Your peeps. The ones in your circle. Your tribe.

As many of you may know last fall I celebrated my 42nd birthday. That weekend, my three guys left for Minnesota on Thursday morning which meant I had the next almost four days to myself. I love my guys tremendously and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. However as women we tend to be designed to give and give and give some more without really opening ourselves to receiving.

My Guys. Love them to pieces but all the more reason why I need my girls.

Which brings me to Thursday. I had a bit of a tough week at work. On break I was scrolling through Facebook mindlessly passing the time, and came across a post in a group of mine. The post was about being 40 something, a mother, dealing with weakened bladders, graying hair and other random things that our bodies do after giving birth and aging not always so gracefully. I commented on the post and the original poster responded. Which brought about the idea to connect a friend of mine with some experience in creating private Facebook groups and this particular woman.

It was a gorgeous day outside and living in North Eastern North Dakota, by the middle of October, these are few and far between. I went home and did some yard work until it got dark. On a whim I decided to go to town to buy light bulbs as we seemed to have an abundance of burnt out bulbs. On my short drive to town my car overheated. We have had a few issues leading up to this point but not this bad. I call our friend Mike and asked if he had a spare vehicle for me. Long story short I was able to use an extended family members 1995 canary yellow Ford Ranger with a 5-speed on the floor (Such a happy little pickup! I think next time I am struggling with having a positive attitude I may just ask to borrow it for a day or two!!)

My little drive to town at 7 brought me home after 9 at which time I had a bowl of cereal for supper and went to bed.

Friday I went to work as normal. After lunch I ran Uptown to the local drug store to pick up some allergy meds. I came out, hopped in my little yellow pickup and watched as an elderly woman came walking down the sidewalk tripped and fell. I jumped out of the pickup as another woman walking down the sidewalk came running to this fallen woman. The Other Woman had on her scrubs and mentioned that she worked at the local Clinic. She and I helped the elderly woman up. She ensured that the lady was okay and reminded her that if anything started to hurt more to just stop in to the clinic. It made me start thinking. Thinking about sometimes in life you are in the right place at the right time. Thinking about how gracefully the other bystander handled the situation. And it reminded me of why I was looking so forward to spending the evening with one of my best girlfriends.

One of my Bestest Friends ever since living next door to each other in the dorm at college.

Fast forward several hours and I am in Fargo. We had supper as a group and headed back to the hotel where we relaxed and visited. Later that night my mind wandered again to that random Facebook post, a Good Samaritan on the sidewalk and why we all need our girlfriends in our lives.

Saturday morning I got up early after a few restless hours of sleep and headed to the BeeHive in Reynolds North Dakota. I met up with another friend, her husband and their girls and some others for a normal ritual Saturday morning breakfast. After breakfast Miss K, her girls and I headed to a craft show. We shopped. We laughed. I found a slide for Miss B to burn off some energy and we headed back to Kay’s house. We relaxed for a while and then left for the UND men’s hockey game. As Kay and I were eating supper she gave me my birthday card and we had quite the discussion of all the things we as women don’t tell other women that we really should. (Think issues post-childbirth.) We laughed and we laughed some more.

Miss K. Another bestest friend thanks to our tractor loving guys. (It’s our 10 year anniversary this year.)

Off to the hockey game (which thankfully the Fighting Sioux gave me a win for my birthday present) and then I came home to my quiet house. I thought about all of the social media birthday wishes I received. All the text messages. The phone calls. Even old fashioned birthday cards in the mail. I really am a pretty lucky girl.

Sunday morning I went to church and I sat and listened as our new female Pastor was formally installed. I sang along with our amazing worship band. I watched a newborn little girl be baptized.

I pondered the words on my bracelet on my wrist. “She believed she could so she did.” Surrounded by three charms given to me by my Rockstar. Soccer mom, beautiful, and a glass of red wine. And in that moment I realized that if we as women are going to raise strong independent women that we need to step up all of our games. My husband had drove sugar beet truck all night so he was home sleeping. I went to Panera and enjoyed a bagel. I had shared a random social media post to which I received some backlash to which I responded and of course those dishing out the backlash disappeared into the dark corners of social media rather than engage in a truly meaningful conversation with me. Girlfriends. It’s in times like these that you need your girlfriends. It is now Tuesday and one of my girlfriends is still responding with additional facts about said post.

My tribe.

Tuesday I ended up staying home with a stomach bug. Sent a text to my boss. Dropped kids off at school. Chatted with hubby. Turned my phone on vibrate and fell asleep on the couch for three hours. Woke up to our friend Mike saying “hey Deb?!?” I responded with “hey Mike, what’s up?” He told me he was just checking to see if I was alive or ok or what was going on!

You see normally if I am not going to be at work on time or if something comes up I drop a line to my boss AND another co-worker. In my I-really-don’t-want-to-puke-just-let-me-sleep state of mind, I FORGOT to include the other coworker. I also forgot that the boss was out of the office doing farm visits. Which lead to two co-workers/friends trying to call and text me to no avail. Tried hubby….no luck as he was in a business meeting. Finally contacted Mike and Kay. I slept thru their calls and texts too. Which lead Mike and one of his cousins driving to my house to see what was going on. Girlfriends that know you well enough to know when things just don’t add up and then call in more friends.

6 days from when I started writing this post, a new Facebook group exists called R.E.A.L Women’s Tribe. (Reaffirming, Educating, Authentically Living Life). If you fit the title search it out.

Life is hard. We all have our own trials, tribulations and struggles. Who do you call on in those times? Who can call on you? During this time of new life, new beginnings and spring….take a moment and thank your girlfriends for being who they are and for being willing to climb in the muddy trenches with you.

Keep believing,

Deb

This Changes Everything

Faith. Fear. Castaway. Calvary. Parenthood. Music. Social media. Friends. Beer and Hymns.

A random group of words but not so random.

This Changes Everything.

My first encounter with this phrase was earlier this year as a newly written song by a dear friend Nolan Weisz (and his friend Jon Dahl.) The “this” is about the death and rising of our savior Jesus Christ. (Take a listen here  This Changes Everything!)

The “this” is about becoming more Christ-like in our everyday living. “This” is about becoming better disciples.

This song is still my go-to no matter what is going on in my life. What the “this” is changes constantly. However the “this” truly does change everything.

Faith Changes Everything. Faith can truly change everything. Faith can be your guide through the hard times. Faith can be your sunshine making the good times better. Faith as your religion. Faith in your friends and family. Faith in those that show kindness. Faith that the sun will rise again tomorrow.

Another gorgeous sunrise on my way to work. Faith in a new day dawning.

Fear changes everything. Fear can be useful and protect us from danger. However, fear more frequently paralyzes us. The fear of the unknown. The fear of the future. The fear of failure. The fear of others opinions. The fear of death. The fear of life. Are you fulfilling your life’s calling or are you living in fear of your calling? What if your calling isn’t your day job? What fear is holding you back? If you face that fear will it change everything?

Castaway changes everything. Castaway is a camp/retreat near Detroit Lakes, Minnesota that is run by Young Life. It is an amazing place. Thanks to my Rockstar I accompanied him and several other middle schoolers to a weekend retreat at Castaway. The main musician for the weekend had also wrote a song called “This Changes Everything”. It is very different from Nolan’s but no less powerful. Castaway changes youth. Castaway changes adults. Castaway changed me and my view of the youth of today. There are good people in the world trying their best to be kind and spread joy. These youth are learning to use their faith to conquer fear and “change everything”.

My Sunday morning view from Castaway. Peace.

Calvary changes everything. The Calvary from biblical times truly changed everything in the Christian world. My Calvary is my church. My Calvary changes everything. Calvary is not just a beautiful building here in Grand Forks but my church home. The people here have accepted me and more importantly my boys. Calvary engages my boys in their Christian education and then they bring me to Castaway. Sometimes it’s a sermon. Sometimes it’s the music. Always it is the people. It’s volunteering at Holy Grounds, our coffee shop. It is watching tons of little kids go up for Kids Time. It is having the chance to throw your pennies in a dish held by a little set of hands, knowing that every penny matters.

Parenthood changes everything. Parenthood brings joy, sadness, worry, contentment, and so much more. It is impossible to not be changed by parenthood. There might be stretch marks and an out-of-shape midriff. There will be deep love, deep joy and tears of sadness and joy. My boys have changed me and continue to change me daily. Those of us that are raising kiddos with special needs know that “this changes everything” is even a bigger saying and life moment.

Little Bear with a friends foster dog. They became good buds in two nights.

Music changes everything. I’ve always had a deep love of music. Growing up, music was always on the radio. I’ve listened to polkas and waltz’s, the oldies, classic rock, old country, new country, hip-hop, current pop, Christian rock, church hymns and everything in between. Music brings my soul to life. I’ve played piano and clarinet. I love to sing (my car is my studio.) My Bose radio is one possession I don’t think I could live without. My Rockstar has played cello and alto sax. Little Bear is learning to play the drums. We make up silly songs. When my boys were little and had a hard time settling down I would sing “Amazing Grace” and “Jesus Loves Me” to them. When I am struggling I find myself listening to Nolan and Jon with Good Shepherd Worship. The combination of their musical skills and the songs they sing ground me and give me hope. It may change my mood, my attitude, my day or my moment, but it always changes something.

Social media changes everything. Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter or whatever you may use changes everything. Sometimes for good. Sometimes for bad. I enjoy social media for catching news blurbs, sharing my kids with our distant family and friends, connecting with people who I may never connect with otherwise. The scary is the online bullies for our youth and even ourselves. It can consume our minds and time and take us away from truly important interactions. The always happy and always perfect picture we paint can intensify feelings of anxiety, depression, and inadequacy in others. Good or bad? What are you changing with your use of social media?

My Rockstar hanging out with mom. I know these times may dwindle in the coming teenage years.

Friends change everything. Friends open their homes to you for a place to sleep when out-of-town for doctor appointments.

My dear friend Lisa. Her home becomes our home when we are in St. Paul for Little Bears appointments. She even let us crash her birthday this fall. Such an amazing person!

Friends give you their hockey ticket so you can hang out together.

Kay and I with Miss B at her very first UND hockey game. I’m grateful to Mike for willingly giving up his ticket some nights so we girls can hang out.

Friends decipher IEP’s (Individual Education Plan) for your kids. Friends make supper. Friends do not care when your house and your life is a mess. Friends call or text for no reason. Friends push you out of your comfort zone. Friends will face your fear with you. Friends change our life picture from gray to vibrant and colorful. They add rainbows and sunshine and pure craziness!

Friends are made at all places and all times in our lives. From school, to the neighborhood to places like Castaway and Calvary. Friends are made in Parenthood. Friends make music together, they go to concerts together. They will randomly break into song with the right phrase. Music brings friends together for Beer and Hymns.

Beer and Hymns changes everything. Imagine sitting in a small brewery enjoying a beer with a cousin and some friends. Imagine listening to your favorite music while enjoying a beer. Imagine combining all that into an evening. Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in Moorhead, Minnesota does just this. Some of their musicians come out to a little brewery called Junkyard Brewery in Moorhead (Check them out – they have great beer too!) where they play church hymns and songs of worship while enjoying a beer with new and old friends.

Hymns & Beer with Good Shepherd Worship at Junkyard Brewery in Moorhead, MN

I have a cousin that attends that church. I have a friend and musician, Nolan, that works for that church. The three of us are connected on social media. The two of them know another woman in Grand Forks who enjoys their music and the beer. My cousin connected the two of us on Facebook. We realize we both go to Calvary. We are both fans and friends of Nolan’s. We both love music. We connect on social media and end up car pooling to Hymns and Beer one Sunday evening in November to join my cousin, some other friends and many other people to sing with Nolan. It was truly good for my soul.

When we are open to the universe things change. When we have a little faith things change. When we face our fears things change. When we go to new or old places with an open and kind heart things change. When we sing and dance things change. When we drink beer with a new-found friend things change.

A smile. A kind word. A chance. A little fear. A lot more faith. A friend. A song. A beer. These are just some of my “This” in This Changes Everything.

In this season of Christmas and parties and cookies and sometimes chaos, take a moment and enjoy the music. What is your “this”? What will you do or say that may be someone elses “this”? Is it a family tradition? Or a favorite cookie recipe? Is it seeing family? Is it forgiving someone? Is it simply a smile to a stranger? Whatever it is, find your “this”.

May your light shine brightly and change everything,

Deb

PS: for more musical motivation from Nolan and Jon follow them on Facebook. I made it easy….use these links.

You can connect with Good Shepherd Worship on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/goodshepherdworship/

Nolan Weisz Music on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nolanweiszmusic/

Jon Dahl Music on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jondahlmusic/

Grief.

“If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away” by Justin Moore.  “Drink a Beer” by Luke Bryan.   “Just a Girl” by No Doubt.  “Rory’s Radio” by Ashton Shepherd. “The Dance” by Garth Brooks.  “In Heaven There is No Beer” original composer Ralph Maria Siegel.  “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band.  “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw

A favorite tree on the road to the farm.

Song titles.  All tied to memories.

“The Dance” by Garth Brooks.  Stops me dead in my tracks every time.  Most of the time it brings me to tears.   The first time I saw Garth in concert was about a year after a good friend of mine from high school died in a car accident.  That concert night when the intro started for “The Dance” I lost it.  Tears fell freely.  I missed Clint something fierce.  We were never more than friends in high school but we had become closer as time went on in college.  If you are not familiar “The Dance” talks about how I’d change things if I had only known, but then I would have had to miss the dance.

Now when I hear it I think of Dad and Tim and Clint and Angela and, and, and……

Grief.  It sucks.  It is necessary.  It is ugly.  It is lonely.  It does get better but it never goes away.

This week – Seven years ago my Dad passed away after a fight with lung cancer.  This same week – Six years ago my oldest brother Tim passed away after a hard-fought battle with cancer as well.

There is a cemetery just south of our house. I finally stopped one morning last fall to capture this sunrise picture. Peace.

This week.  Every year. Sucks. Cancer sucks.  Grief sucks.  Tim was diagnosed with cancer weeks before Dad died from cancer.  Re-read that last sentence.  Yes, my oldest brother, the rock of the family, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, with six months to live, just weeks before our Dad died – from cancer.

It was hell.  I was numb as I am sure the rest of the family was too.  Cancer sucks.  Death sucks.  The two attacking at the same time is beyond belief.

Dad’s US Army picture late 1950’s. (That glimmer in his eyes can be seen in Little Bear’s eyes a lot.)

May 18.  Dad’s birthday.  He would have been 82.  Dad passed away after a hard-fought battle with the dreaded C word in 2010.  Valentine Malsom.  Born, raised and lived his whole life near Ipswich, SD.  Anyone that knew Dad knew he couldn’t spell.  Math – he was a wiz.  Spelling….not so much.  Dad taught all of us how to remember how to spell Ipswich correctly.  (I Pee South West I Catch Hell.)  I don’t think I can even type it or write it without saying that in my head.  Dad was a jokester.  He loved to have a good time (sometimes probably too good of a time!) and he loved to tell jokes and try to get one over on you.  Speaking of which….“Have you heard the latest?”

A man who worked hard, played hard, served his country in the US Army and always had time for a joke or a visit.  Yes he is missed, but I see so many of his traits in Little Bear.  And it makes me smile.  I can only imagine the trouble the two of them could have gotten into.

Grief comes in lots of ways and over lots of reasons.  Mom and Dad struggled through the 1980’s ag crisis.  They didn’t lose the farm per se but they did quit farming most of the land and had an equipment auction sale.  I must wonder if Dad grieved the loss of so much of the farm?  Or did he silently rejoice?  You see the older I get the more I ponder these things.  Sometimes I just wish for one more conversation with Dad.  As Nate and I face our own struggles right now, I wonder what Dad would say?

Tim. My oldest brother by 16 years.  He wasn’t even living at home anymore by the time I remember.  I do remember him coming home in his canary yellow Firebird. Sparky, the dog, would wait by the driveway and I could hear the car long before you could see it.  It was so exciting when Tim came home.  Advance several years, Tim lived in Aberdeen and was dating his wife and I was just as excited when they came out to the farm on a sunday afternoon.  Then Tim started dirt track racing.  #10 Forever!  I loved racing.  I lived for Friday night racing.  I even accepted summer jobs based on having race nights off.  I can count on one hand how many races I missed over his 10 odd years of racing.  To say Tim was my hero is probably an understatement.  During those years I had the time of my life!  Stories.   Good times.  Memories.  So many lessons learned.  Once Tim had a family the race care was silenced.  In a way I believe I suffered from a bit of grief over that as well.

Tim’s last race car. 1997 What I wouldn’t give to watch that car make one more lap….

Tim lived within 30 miles of Mom and Dad so we all knew that he was available to look after them and help them out along with our sister Anita who lives on the farm.  When Dad was nearing the end, I know I for one, felt at peace knowing that Tim and Anita were still close by to look after and help out Mom.

But then….a phone call I remember as though it was yesterday.  Tim.  The doctors say it is cancer.  They aren’t sure what they can do.  They say I have 6 months to live.  How do you respond?  How do you even begin to process?

Then Dad died.  We hurried and had the funeral so Tim could go to Mayo Clinic.  How do you grieve your Dad when you are now focused on your brother?  That whole next year is a blur to me yet.  (Oh yeah we moved from Starbuck, MN to Grand Forks, ND that year as well.)

Memorial Day weekend we went to Lennox, SD to help my brother Adam with a project and on the way home we stopped in Watertown for supper.  Nate and I talked and decided on a whim to drive to Aberdeen to see Tim in the hospital and then spend the night at my Mom’s.  That night on our way out of the hospital room I said “We’ll talk to you tomorrow.”  By early the next morning Mom got the phone call saying Tim had passed away.  Tomorrow never came.

I remember Tim laughing and enjoying Austin’s reactions so much that day. One of the last pictures I have of Tim. (His daughter Natalie in the background.)

I am no expert in grief.  What I do know is that in the 40 years I have been on this earth I have buried my Dad,  my oldest brother Tim, two of my sisters, Junill and Louise, several cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma’s (both of my grandpa’s were gone before I was born), and some very close friends.  I’ve suffered a miscarriage myself.  Death sucks. Grief sucks. There is no ten-step program for getting through grief.  There is no time frame.  There is no handbook or manual or guidelines or rules.  Grief.  It affects every person differently.  It affects the same person differently each time it is faced.  Grief is hard.  Grief is freeing.  Grief is unstoppable tears and a happy smile of remembrance.

The grief from Tim still sneaks up on me.  It can be a song, a sound, a race car going down the interstate, my boys doing silly things Uncle Tim taught them and the tears will fall.

Girls weekend! Angela was such a fun-loving, crazy women. She is the one in front.

Just a year ago now, one of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer.  She lasted less than six months.  The grief from loosing Angela is still fresh and sometimes raw.  It is unbelievably hard to attend the funeral for your friend from college.  Someone your age. Someone with little kids and a husband and a loving family.  It sucks.  The grief is real. The pain is real.

I wish I had an easy fix it plan for dealing with grief but I do not.  I have my faith which is my rock in these times.  I have my boys and my friends and my garden and my ND prairie sunsets to bring me peace.  There are professionals too.  Counselors, therapists, pastors, and professional grief centers.  We all have our coping mechanisms – try to keep them healthy though.  Ask for help.  Talk to someone.  Grief sucks.  You aren’t crazy.  Don’t deal with it alone.

Grief isn’t just for death though.  Grief can be for a lost job or a lost home or a lost relationship.  We all have ideas and dreams and goals for our job, our home, our relationships and when those things don’t go like we think they should, there is a sense of loss and grief.

Having a child with a disability brings on grief too.  At diagnosis time, you as parents and family go through a grieving process.  When you have a child, you have dreams and plans for them.  It might be for them to be a great sports star or the doctor that finds the cure for cancer and then all those dreams are thrown out the window. You are forced down a completely different road and there is grief.  Grief for what might have been.

Have I been faced with all kinds of grief?  Yes.  Does that make me an expert?  Absolutely not. All I know for sure is that grief sucks and follows no rules.  All I can give you is advice to face it and to not do it alone.  We’ve all been there.  Sometimes a good cry or a walk is all that is needed.  Call someone, anyone, even me.

Taken by my brother Adam. This beer’s for you!

As for me, just know the next time Luke Bryan comes on the radio with “Drink a Beer” I will stop what I’m doing, smile towards heaven and say “Thanks Tim for watching over me.”  Or if I happen to have a beer in hand, I’ll raise it.

If I see a mouse, even a fake one, I’ll smile and say thanks Ang. Or if “I’m just a Girl” comes on the radio I’ll know to contact the rest of our clan of girls from college to just make sure we keep in contact.

When we have root beer floats or homemade chocolate shakes I’ll pause a moment to remember Dad and how these were a favorite treat and a reminder to pause a few moments to enjoy family time.

When I hear “In Heaven There is No Beer” I smile because I don’t know if I believe that.  I’m pretty certain Dad and Tim either snuck some with them or they are brewing it themselves!

I guess sometimes grief comes to remind us of all the good in the life and that even though our loved ones may be gone they are never forgotten.

Till next time,

Shine on, even through the tears.

By the way – the latest?  It isn’t out yet.

Dad about 6 months before he lost his battle from cancer. Even sick, he still was being silly.

Bullies. Boundaries. Buddies.

A brand new year. I am not one for making resolutions or setting big goals. It is just the way I am programmed. But this year I did join a private Facebook group. It is through Trailblazing Communications out of Fargo, North Dakota. I serve on a board with Marilyn and the concept behind Trailblazing Communications has always enthralled me. They offered an 88 day Wellness Group and I joined. So far it has been one of the best decisions I have made. It affords me the opportunity to self-reflect, self-heal, and plan to move forward. 

Check them out. http://www.trailblazingcommunications.com/

I have discovered along the way, sometimes you have to look backwards in order to close some old wounds in order to move forward. The other night as my boys we’re talking before bed and sent mom to the kitchen, I was doing some deep thinking. I grew up on a farm near a small town called Ipswich, South Dakota. Population 900. Class size 32. I spent grades one through six in our local Catholic School with an average grade size of 10 kids. Grade 7 through 12 were in the public school with an average class size of 30. Ipswich has an elevator, a gas station, a grocery store, a couple bars, and many churches. It is the county seat and a very typical rural town for most of South and North Dakota. And as in most small towns there tends to be a prominent family that takes charge. They may own the businesses or they may be very powerful in a church or there may be just so many of them that they make up the majority of the town. So what happens when that majority isn’t very kind to the non majority? I’m not here to bash anybody or in any way put down a small town but rather this is simply my story. 

Growing up in the 80’s and early 90’s I was a typical farm kid. We didn’t have much money. We were the kids that did chores and loaded pigs before we got on the school bus to go to school in the morning. We were the kids that knew how to drive long before our city counterparts. We were the kids that didn’t participate in sports because we had work to do on the farm. We were also the kids that were made fun of and picked on. “Oh you’re just a dumb farm kid. You smell like the farm. Why don’t you go back to your pigs and your cows. You’ll never be anything!” And for me who was slightly overweight as a kid you can imagine the rest of the things I was told. I was one of the straight-A students which made me a nerd as well.

Verbal bullies can be just as painful as physical.

It has taken me many years to forgive some of the people behind some of those statements. But through the grace of God and my faith I have. I will never forget but I have forgiven. And in forgiving, those moments and those people no longer have any control over my mind and my heart. What I do know is that the road to this point has not been easy. And I certainly haven’t traveled it alone. 

Kim was one of my best friends until she moved away. Thanks to social media we can still chat.

Junior High and high school I had a couple really, really great friends. They were outsiders just as I was. There was a point in junior high where I stopped being the shy kid that just took everything thrown at me. Instead I became outspoken and a bit of a rebel. I put on the mentality of “I don’t care what anybody thinks.”  We all know we care what other people think of us even though we know we shouldn’t. I didn’t let that show. I went ahead and got my straight A’s and I partied and I drank and I don’t regret a moment of those years. 

Jason, myself, Eric. I had several good guy friends. These two were my rocks back then. Eric, my boyfriend and first love. Jason, our neighbor, my racing buddy, and still one of my best friends today.

In that time I discovered the meaning of a true friend. Someone who will have fun with you. Someone who will get in trouble with you. Someone who will have your back so you don’t get in trouble. I had a few true friends back then.

Traci. My best friend. We were crazy. We had too much fun. We broke the rules. We had each other’s backs. We even sank a paddle boat once. She has not had an easy life and I admire her strength to change and grow every day.

I have even more these days. 

Part of the 88 Days Revolution includes weekly video calls. The subject recently was boundaries. What they are, how to set them and the importance of understanding and utilizing them. Boundaries are good. Boundaries are necessary. Boundaries are hard to set and respect though. Setting boundaries helps you protect yourself and it helps you ask for help and receive help. When you realize you’ve accomplished a boundary it is life changing. 
These days Nate is gone, a lot, for work. (I have an ever growing respect for single parents. You all amaze and inspire me.) I recently started my new position at work. I was about an hour away from my office and had carpooled with others from the office for a meeting. 10:30 AM the dreaded text message from Little Bears para. He was throwing up. Now what. I’m an hour from my car, and another 40 minutes from his school. Nate is 3 hours away. Our best friends (who I would normally call to help me in this situation) are in the hospital with their newborn. So now what? 

I think. And then think some more. Send a text to Nate hoping for one of his great ideas. Nothing. Then it hits me. My friend Tanya and fellow special needs mom had the day off and just happened to be in Grand Forks for some appointments. I send a casual text (can’t seem too desperate, right?) to see what time her appointments were. I told her my situation and her words were simply “if you need me to get Bear and take him home just say the word.” My heart jumped for joy…”YES PLEASE!!!!” 

Ask for help. Receive it gracefully. Thank the good Lord for knowing my boundaries and for awesome friends. 

A beyond-awesome-coworker-mom-best-friend, Tanya. Who else would volunteer to pick up your child, throwing up, at the drop of a hat or text message in this case.

How in the world do you connect a puking child to bullies?  

First, if we teach our children from a young age that it is OK to have, set and verbalize boundaries it is harder for a bully to get inside. If the bully does get inside, having those boundaries makes it a whole lot easier to not blame themselves for what is happening and hopefully make it easier to reach out for help. 

Is it easy? Heavens no! It has taken me four decades to figure it out. But I am trying very hard to teach my kids about boundaries.  With everything we learn and we grow and as a woman of faith, I know there is always forgiveness and grace. 

Do I regret growing up in Ipswich and dealing with bullies? Not anymore. Those experiences are all part of who I have become. Today when I witness or sense those kinds of actions, a fire burns in my belly. It’s the advocacy fire. I fight for the underdogs. I try to teach the underdogs. And in that fight, I have boundaries. And I have an incredible circle of friends who will stand and fight with me. 

These friends will open their homes to us when Bear has surgery and we need a place to sleep. These friends will pick up a sick child for you. These friends will pray for you even when you don’t ask. These are the people who will get into trouble with you. They are the ones that will show up with bail money if you ever needed too. They have the key to your house and to your soul. 

Part of my wall. My college girlfriends. Always there. Always available. Always.

Even in being bullied, I discovered true buddies and we protected each other creating a boundary.  

It’s the second month of 2017. Take a little time for you. Take a class. Join a group. Call a friend for coffee. Find 10 minutes locked in the bathroom with headphones on to listen to an uplifting song if you must. Give forgiveness. Ask for forgiveness. Set a boundary. 

Shining in the chaos,

Deb

My second week of the new job. It’s an exciting opportunity. Changing the world. One day at a time.

Happy New Year’s Eve. Or Happy New Year. I think……

The end of 2016 is upon us. It has been a crazy year. Lots of famous people passing away. An epic election. A nasty protest in ND. DHS (Department of Human Services) budget cuts in ND with more to come. A job change for Nate. Major orthopedic surgery for Bear. The Big 40. The untimely passing of a friend. Christmas Ice Storm. And more. 

New Years Eve sunset at my in-laws farm near Glenwood, MN.

Bring on 2017!!!
Or maybe wait. Or maybe what the heck….Bring it on. 

I think we might all go through some of these emotions. Please let the past be in the past or maybe let’s slow down time. Here is a crazy idea: let’s let it be and enjoy every second left of 2016 and prepare to enjoy every moment of 2017. 

Our life has been a bit of a zoo. Nate took his new job in May with Farmers Edge. It has been a very positive change in our lives. However with all positive changes come some adjustments. Nate is on the road more than he used to be but yet he has more flexibility. The biggest plus is his better attitude and positive outlook on life again. 

My Rockstar. Growing up so fast. I’d be lost without this kid. Thanks to Amanda Becker Photography for capturing his spirit.

Rockstar. 7th Grade. 13 years old. All the emotions and temperament that goes with it. I like to say he is either acting like a 3 year old or a 30 year old. Oyh. In all of this he is still the best big brother Little Bear could ask for. He is my Rockstar when Dad is gone. He makes supper. He shovels snow. He builds snow forts. He wins honorable mentions in middle school dance competitions. He gives the best hugs. He loves unconditionally.

This was a candid shot by Amanda Becker Photography. Little Bear showing his love and admiration for our Rockstar. An absolute favorite picture of mine. Thanks Amanda for capturing what only I normally see.

Little Bear. So innocent….most of the time! He was still pretending to be shy on this picture with Amanda Becker Photography.

Bear. What a year! Major orthopedic surgery on both feet to correct congenital deformaties along with issues caused by CP (cerebral palsey). Five incisions on his right foot and two on his left. All done in one surgery. Five hours or so under anesthesia. Four weeks in short casts. Six weeks non-weight bearing. Learning how to walk again. Learning how to balance again. Bear knows that this whole long process is to help him run faster and slam dunk a basketball.  (Mom knows it is to keep him mobile and able to be independent his whole life long.) 

Little Bears casts with a little Christmas cheer.

Little Bear showing off his new AFO’s ( Ankle Foot Orthotics). First picture after casts. He was pretty excited.

Advocacy. It never stops. First agriculture. Farm Bureau events in our county and region and state. Soon to come, another national educational event. I was a voting delegate at our state Farm Bureau convention. We vote on policy for both ND and national farm issues. One issue in particular cut me deep in the soul. One in regards to Farm Loan Programs. One that I will have the power to change one day soon. I don’t care if we are a government agency. We are still people and our Farmers are all MY farmers. And all people deserve to be treated in a timely fashion and with respect. Bring on 2017. Yes I shall change the world…One personal interaction at a time. 

Advocacy. Life in the world of disabilities. Little Bears surgery has been in the making for a very long time. Little Bear is covered under our private health insurance as well as Medicaid through the state of North Dakota. ND medicaid does not want to approve Little Bears surgery in MN. Long story short they claim that the single pediatric orthopedic surgeon in ND is equivalent to the 13+ pediatric orthopedic surgeons at Gillette Children’s hospital in St. Paul. I disagree. I tried to resubmit our request for out of state services which I was told we could not. I then filed for a hearing. (This all started in September. I couldn’t have our hearing until December 20. Any red tape here?!?!?) I still don’t know the formal opinion or outcome. What I do know is that this Mama Bear doesn’t just curl up in her den and hibernate. 

Brothers forever. What if it was your child or grandchild or niece or nephew or cousin or neighbor? What if????

All I know at this moment is that I won’t quit. It’s not just about Little Bear but about all the kiddos out there with only Medicaid. It’s about all the kiddos who don’t have parents willing to or capable of fighting. It’s about the fact that a surgery on a nine year old may make the difference between a person relying on taxpayer provided services all their life or being able to walk independently, stand independently, work independently and be able to support themselves and PAY taxes back into the system. 

Yes, this is a thorn in my side. $700. With our awesome private insurance this is our copay: $700. ND Medicaid is fighting us over $700. The state utilized an administrative law judge, the Assistant States Attorney, multiple people from DHS, including the physician who denied our claim, who has never met or seen Little Bear. Two people from DHS to simply “observe” the hour long hearing and another employee of DHS who works with out of state services. Think the state has spent $700 yet?  Think if the judge recommends a denial that I will quit the fight? Not on your life. 

Why does any of this matter? We have a new president taking office. Like him or hate him, January inauguration is inevitable. Some of the proposals for Medicaid and Medicare and nothing short of scary. Do they need reform? Absolutely. Please don’t be led blindly into believing what is proposed is fabulous. My ask of you? Read a little. Get educated. Call or write just one of your congressional representatives. Tell them you exist. Tell them your story.  Everybody knows at least one person who utilizes these programs. If you say you don’t, then use Little Bear. You’ve read about him. You may know him personally. If not, let me know and let’s make it happen. Come meet Little Bear. Let’s sit down over coffee or a beer and chat. 

Bowling. One of Little Bears favorite pastimes. Momma Bear letting him fly but still there to catch him. 6 1/2 weeks post surgery. Walking and bowling on his own with a little guidance and help.

Bring on 2017. My wish is for a little less chaos. My wish is for gratitude. My wish is for faith. My wish is for people to do their best to find joy in the little things. My wish is for people to stop worrying about what other people think and let their light shine through. My wish is for people to stop and enjoy a sunset or a sunrise or a mouse. My wish is to change the world, one moment at a time. 
Reflect on 2016. Keep the great moments close to your heart. Throw away all the crap. Looking forward to a fabulous 2017. Let your light shine brightly! 

Shining brightly till next time,

No makeup. Yoga pants. Tractor tshirt. Crazy headband. Take me happy as I am or too bad for you. My word for 2017: shine.

Deb.

The B I G 4 0 and a few small mice…

“Happy Birthday!  How does it feel to be the BIG 40?  You know everything heads south once you hit 40. Doesn’t getting old suck?”

All comments I’ve heard.  Many I’ve said to others on their milestone birthdays.  Yes I turned 40 this past week.  I had a fabulous day.  How did it feel turning 40?  Happy, blessed, and pretty darn good.

One of many of my birthday surprises. The big sign by the road at work.

My birthday started out with an amazing sunrise on my way to work.  Thanks to all the bike rides with my Mom over the years I have a fond appreciation and fascination with both sunrises and sunsets.  There are never two alike and so many here on the prairie are absolutely breath-taking.

No words needed for this fabulous Red River Valley Sunrise.

As I’ve gotten older I view the change in the skies as a miracle in a way.  Every sunrise is a reminder to be thankful for having another day to live.  It is a chance to appreciate nature.  It is a chance for me to say thanks to God for giving such beauty and the ability to see it and appreciate it.  The high noon sun in the summer helps our crops and lawns and flowers grow.  In the winter, even in the bitter cold, it can warm your face.  The clouds are a wonder themselves.  As a kid I remember laying on the grass looking up at the sky and imagining what shapes the clouds were in.  They are a sigh of relief from the hot sun.  They give indication of a pending storm.  Sometimes they move to reveal a beautiful rainbow after a storm.  The sunset.  I rarely see a sunset and not think about all of my Mom’s and my bike rides in the evening.  We would head west so we had a perfect view of the sunset.  Many times we would stop at one of the neighbor’s house just to say hi or have an ice cream treat.  (Doris really was one awesome neighbor lady!)
I have always connected to nature and the sun and music.  A few things that always keep me grounded.

This rainbow appeared the morning before “A” passed away. The sun hadn’t rose yet and there was no rain. But there was a sense of peace.

Nine days before my 40th Birthday I went to the funeral of one of my dear friends from college.  You see there were five of us girls that lived on the same floor in the dorm my freshman year of college.  Three of them were sophomores and two of us were freshman. Three of them were from the Twin City metro area in MN, one was from near Grand Forks and I was the Farm Girl from SD.  We certainly didn’t start out as best friends but over a year of blizzards in Moorhead, MN we became friends.  At the end of my freshman year the other four left me to fend for myself the next year in Moorhead.  They scattered from Grand Forks to the Twin Cities to New York. But funny thing is we would still get together.  There were weddings and bridal showers and baby showers.  We aimed to ALWAYS have a “Girls Weekend” once a year.  We missed a few years but we made most of them.

Ten years ago we started a scrap-book.  “The YaYa Sisters of MSU.”  We started at the beginning when we first met.  We included hay rides and bon fires and weddings and showers and “Girls Weekends”.  Needless to say we are a little behind right now but we will get it caught up again.

Last December one of the five, “A”, turned 40!  This past May she was diagnosed with aggressive ovarian cancer.  She died October 5.  She left behind a husband and two children and many, many friends and extended family members.  She was 40.  The remaining four of us were there for the visitation and the funeral.  Together.  Crying enough tears to irrigate a golf course.  “This sucks. This must be a nightmare.  Please tell me this isn’t real.  We are too YOUNG.  We ARE too young.  WE ARE TOO YOUNG!!”  We said these things over and over and over again.  Then we cried some more.

Then we laughed.  And we reminisced.  And we laughed.  We had a whole poster board full of pictures of the five of us.  Weddings. Showers. Babies. Girls Weekends.  A Mouse.

The end of August we had a Girls Weekend.  We were at “L’s” house.  We knew we wanted a fun weekend with no talk of cancer or chemo or the unthinkable.  We simply wanted fun.  

From our 2016 Girls Weekend. Who knew it would be the last with the 5 of us?

“L” was giving us a tour of her basement and there he sat.  A small mouse.  Sitting perfectly still.  Screams. Some girls running up the stairs.  Mouse still sitting.  “We need a bowl!”  Grab the nice heavy Popcorn bowl.  Sneak up on the mouse.  Carefully place said Popcorn bowl over mouse.  Scream sigh of relief.    “A” and her sister come.  Tell the mouse story.  Proceed to flatten cereal box to slide under popcorn bowl to remove mouse from the house.  Proceed out to “L’s” back yard.  Retrieve shovels and brooms.  Cell phone video ready.  Shovels Ready.  On count of three remove bowl.  More screaming.  One solid whack with the big metal shovel and we have a dead mouse.  Laughter.  The kind of laughter where your sides hurt and you almost pee your pants laughter.  All of us laughing.  Another mouse was later found and removed with popcorn bowl and cardboard and met the fate of the shovel.  More Laughter.  Best weekend ever.  Looking back we are pretty certain there was some divine intervention in those mice showing up.  “L” caught one more mouse right after that weekend and then none.

The tools of a girls weekend with mice party crashers.

As we reminisced and laughed at the visitation that night we all agreed that we really didn’t know how that weekend was going to go.  We wanted to have fun and not talk about cancer but we weren’t sure how.  Along comes a mouse…..  So yes at the funeral on the picture board was a small toy mouse glued with the pictures.  A simple mouse. Now a timeless reminder of the fun and laughter we all shared one last time together.

Of course it wouldn’t be right if we didn’t at least try to use the bowl!

Even though “A” is gone.  We have already set up a time next summer for a Girls Weekend. We even have a date on the calendar for 2018.  “A” would want us to still get together and work on the scrap-book.  And Laugh.  And catch mice.  And laugh.
So back to the BIG 40….I’m 40…and I’m good with that.  fabulous!  I’m alive.  Married to an incredibly awesome man who treats me like a queen – especially on my Birthday.  I have some really great co-workers who co-conspire with my husband on my birthday.  I have friends especially one that takes me out for supper on my birthday and brings cake and flowers.  I have extended family members that send cards and text messages and flowers and phone calls  and snap chats.  The best though – I have two awesome boys – who are not very good at keeping Dad’s secrets when it comes to birthday planning.  My Rockstar helps me dream – about birthday presents and the future.  Little Bear loves cake and ice cream as much as I do.  They both give amazing hugs and hearing “love ya” from them is music to my ears.

I have no idea what the next decade or year or month or day or hour may bring, but I do know I am going to do my best to make every moment count because every day is a gift.  Every moment is a chance to make a memory.  I don’t want to ever look back and say “I wish I would have…..”  Some may say I should have a cleaner house or should stay home more.  I’m pretty sure if I could have one last conversation with A – she’d tell me to let the dust sit at home and go make memories while you can.  Life is short.  Fill it with positive thoughts and laughter and the occasional mouse!

The Toy Mouse

Faith. Family. Farm. III

Part III – Faith.

Here are Part I and Part II for a little background information.

This is faith. Plant a seed. Have faith that it will rain and the seeds will grow. Farming and faith really do go together.

Faith. How can something so important be so difficult to share?

Faith. Is it going to church on Sunday? Is it reading the Bible? Is it saying a prayer before meals or at bedtime? Is it sitting silently enjoying the great outdoors and marveling at the wonder of it all? Is it all of this? Or none of this?

Sorry to disappoint anyone but I’m not able to answer that for you. I can only answer for myself. So here it goes.

Uncle Leo was a man of faith. He regularly attended mass and was very involved in the church. He had a strong belief that Jesus was truly his Savior and that he would live for eternity with him. He was kind and generous. He treated others with compassion and love. He showed faith by never giving up when times were tough or when his wife struggled with medical issues. He was a man of faith.

Me. I grew up in the Catholic Church. I was baptized, confirmed and married in my home church, Holy Cross, in Ipswich, SD. I went to church every Sunday with Mom and Dad. We prayed before meals. We did our best to treat others with kindness and generosity. Did I fail at that sometimes? Absolutely. Still do.

Nate grew up in the Lutheran church. He too grew up going to church on Sunday’s and praying before meals. He and his family did their best to treat others with kindness and generosity. Did they fail sometimes? Absolutely.

After our wedding we decided to attend a Lutheran church. It wasn’t that I was against being Catholic but I really liked the Lutheran church in Starbuck and the pastor and I loved the things they did for kids. Our boys have been baptized in the Lutheran church, attend Sunday school and confirmation classes. We go to church on Sunday’s. We pray before meals and bedtime. We try to treat people with kindness and generosity. Do we sometimes fail? Absolutely.

This is my Rockstar’s Bible he received in third grade. He has made it his own and it shows some battle scars already. I love that our church encourages the youth to do this. Use it. It’s not made to sit on a shelf and look pretty!

For me faith is believing in a higher being. Faith is knowing that I am a sinner and will always be a sinner. Faith is knowing that through the grace of Jesus Christ my sins are forgiven. Faith is believing in a higher purpose. Faith is knowing that sickness and pain and hardships are a way of life. Yet it is knowing that I never face those things alone. It is knowing that I can pray for patience and understanding and strength to face those things and know it will be granted. Faith is trusting that there is more to the moment then what meets the eye.

Faith is being told your 2 month old son will never walk or talk and knowing that there is more to his life then walking or talking. Faith is having the strength to face endless doctor visits and therapies and school meetings not ever knowing the outcome. Faith is trusting that all these other people interacting with my son have his best interests at heart.

Faith is kindness and love. It is helping a friend move. It is being a listening ear. It is a hug when words just won’t do. It is saying yes when everyone else turns away (volunteering to be a Special Olympics soccer coach even though I don’t know much about soccer!)

Little Bear and a teammate practicing at Special Olympics soccer. Yes that is pure joy on his face. Yes he was never supposed to walk much less play soccer.

It’s giving of your time and treasures to help others. It’s teaching Sunday School. It’s donating to great causes. It’s attending a benefit. It’s helping a person cross the street. It’s holding a door open. It’s spending the day at the hospital with a friend.

Wait! You say. That’s just being a good person, that’s not faith. Tell me then how is it that we know what is good or bad?  Tell me how do we get through the tough times? How has my 82 year old mother buried three of her children and still be able to get up every morning and put a smile on her face?

Faith. Pure and simple. Faith.

I believe I have a greater purpose in life then my 40 hour a week job. I believe that when I sit silently outside and watch the sun rise or set that God has his hand in it. I believe that in every struggle God is there whether you ask him for help or not. I believe our greatest moments are a result of God’s hand in our lives. I believe that sometimes unanswered prayers are the best gift of all. I believe that some day we will be reunited with all of our loved ones that have passed away.

Faith. Prayer. Worship. Without these my life is empty. Every day I try to take a moment and at least acknowledge the beauty of the outdoors.

One of the many fabulous sun rises I get to see every morning in the Red River Valley.

I try to show gratitude for the small things and the big things. I try to treat people the way I want to be treated. I try to help others. I try to be giving.
I try. I fail. BUT I know I’m forgiven. I know tomorrow is a new day. I know that I can pray for guidance and when I am open to it, I will be given it. I know that worship and prayer ground me and fill me. I know. I believe. I have faith.

We all know people going through some really crappy things right now. Weather you are a person of faith or not I ask you to take a moment and send up a prayer or send a positive thought someone’s way.

I ask you to take a moment today to appreciate the beauty of nature.

I ask you to take a moment and make someone smile.

Give a compliment.

Don’t join in the gossip.

Treat someone better than they may deserve to be treated.

Kindness. Love. Gratitude. Appreciation. Believe in the good that exists. Have faith.

Remember you have a really good track record….you’ve made it through 100% of the trials and bad days you’ve faced so far.  Odds are good you’ll make it through this too.

Have a little faith.

If you ever need an extra prayer, let me know. Prayers are free and plentiful.

The beautiful cross at Calvary Lutheran Church in Grand Forks. It is made from beams from the original church and hanging in our newly expanded worship and fellowship space.

Till next time,

Deb

Faith. Family. Farm

Part Two. Family.

This summer my Uncle Leo Unser passed away. The sermon at his funeral made me think. This is Part Two. Here is the link to Part One. Farm. http://wp.me/p6dMdu-3f

Family. Yes Uncle Leo was all about his family. Yes I feel like I am too.

I am the youngest of eight kids. For a larger family, we all still get along fairly well.

I’m almost 40. For the last 30 years when I’ve left my sister Valerie’s farm near Glen Ullin, ND I’ve shed a tear or two.

My sister Valerie was the first of my siblings to get married and the first to make me an Aunt. My first niece, Whitney and I are 10 years and 11 days apart in age. I spent some time the first several summers of her life at their farm helping out with the baby or chores or the huge garden.  Mom, Dad and I would make trips for birthdays and other special occasions. Valerie and her husband were dairy farmers they milked cows twice a day every day) and didn’t make it home to SD much. Dairy cows require 24/7/365 care and attention. Dairy herds follow a routine and if that routine changes much it can affect their milk production. Instead, we traveled there.

As a kid I remember leaving there and silently shedding a tear or two. I was young and I missed my sister. And my niece. It was hard to understand why we couldn’t see them more often or why it was so hard for Valerie to come home.

Perhaps that is why I am so passionate about agriculture. I know what sacrifices farm families make…and they aren’t easy. Perhaps that is why it really is nothing for our family of four to hop in a vehicle and drive four hours one way for a weekend visit.

Maybe we are crazy.

Maybe it costs money to drive all the time.

Maybe some memories are worth the cost of crazy and cash.

What I do know is I try my best to make it to graduation parties and weddings and bridal showers and baby showers. Life is short. Too short. I’ve said before that the good time memories are what get you through the not good times in life.

A few weekends ago we drove the 240 miles to Bismarck for a Farm Bureau meeting and a baby shower for my great-niece baby Kate.

My Rockstar loves babies. He enjoyed some precious cuddle time with Baby Kate.

We got home late Sunday night. Monday we were tired. BUT….my boys had the chance to play with their second cousins.

My Rockstar entertaining his 2 year old second cousin. Not sure who had more fun!

They got to see their first cousins. They saw Grandma J. They saw their aunts. They asked when we can go back and stay at Aunt Valerie’s farm. They made memories.
I made it a long way….all the way to Fargo before the tears hit. Whitney sent some pictures of the day and a simple thank you. Then it hit me.

How grateful I am for the supportive spouse in driving across ND for events. How awesome it was to see my boys with their cousins and second cousins. How I love my Rockstar and his super insightfulness. He said when we left Glen Ullin that it would be super awesome if everyone could be together for Christmas someplace. Wow. Words I used to think and speak. Don’t misunderstand we have had lots of times with everyone together. You see when you get together and great memories are made, it becomes addictive…and you want more…and more.

My boys are addicted. So I am. Addicted to making memories. Addicted to having fun with cousins and second cousins and aunts and uncles and other extended relatives.

Why the tears? Because I feel like some family members are missing out. When you find something great in life you want everyone to have it.

Grandma J is 82. We may have a year left with her or twenty years. Only the good Lord knows. I just hope that we pull off another great get together with everyone while she is still here.

Grandma J at her 80th Birthday Party in 2014.  Missing just one grand-daughter here.  Since this time, she has added two great-grand-daughters with another due any day.

Life is short.

Get addicted and make some awesome memories.

Family. Take time to enjoy yours.

Mom.Sister.Friend.

My original intent when I started this post before Mother’s Day was to honor all Mom’s.  But my Mom life happened and I didn’t finish it. Spring. Garden planting. End of school year. Husband started a new job. Chaos. So here I am.  It’s the middle of June.  The boys are on vacation with Grandpa and Grandma to a tractor show.  (More on that a little later) and I have some precious quiet me time.

Little Bear and Rockstar posing with the favorite tractor of Day 1 of the Red Power Roundup 2016.

Our very awesome church, Calvary Lutheran, here in Grand Forks always has something going on. One of our pastors is leading a three-week book study on the book “How To Be Here” by Rob Bell. After all it is week one and I don’t have kids so I bought the book. Funny thing is once I started reading the book it was as though it was wrote for me and where I’m at right now in life. Tonight was night one of our lawn chair book study. We are outside.  It is a fabulous evening.  Almost instantly I am reminded of how fortunate I am to be surrounded by loving and caring women. Our group was small but yet perfect.  There were women my age and slightly older and slightly older and perhaps even slightly older. I looked at all these women and I thought “Wow! You inspire me.”  I looked at some of these women sharing their personal stories and I thought I am not alone! Someone else is at the same point in her life which means I am not alone!

What’s so poignant about this picture? – it shows a line of little girls holding hands facing the immensity of ocean waves.
Alone they might be washed away, but together they stand strong.

Yes, it is true.  We NEED our girlfriends in our lives.  We need our mothers and grandmothers and sisters in our lives.  We need our friends from work and from church and high school and college and from down the street.  We need women younger than us in our lives and women older than us in our lives.

From my surprise birthday party last year. A few of my VIP women.

You see when times get tough as they always do, you need these other women.  Yes our spouses or partners are important.  Yes our kids are important.  But when the proverbial *&$% hits the fan – you need your girlfriends.  They may not live next door anymore.  They may not live in the same state anymore.  One text. One email.  One Snapchat.  One phone call.  And they are next to you in spirit.  They will cry with you.  They will cry for you.  They will laugh with you.  They will laugh for you.  They will inspire you.  They will give you hope.

The women tonight inspired me and gave me hope.  This is the incredible thing about women.  I may not even remember their first names come next week but for tonight, they lifted me up.

So to any of you women reading this, take a moment and reach out to one of the women in your life.

My besties from Moorhead State. This was taken several years ago now but it is still a favorite.

Back to my Mother’s Day post.   I celebrated that day with a happy heart.  I am blessed to have two wonderful sons who love me and need me.  That Sunday morning if I heard “Mom!” once….I heard it 20 times and that is not much of an exaggeration!  I found myself starting to get frustrated but then I stopped.  Said no.  I’m one of the lucky ones.

I thought of my own Mom.  Successfully raised 8 kids and now has 14 Grandkids, 3 Great-Grandkids and more on the way!  She used to have a house filled with chaos and noise and fighting and dirty clothes and “I’m hungry’s!”  Now she is in that same beautiful home – alone.  It is quiet. There is no fighting and very little laundry and no one begging for cookies.  She reminds me every now and then to appreciate my current chaos.  As she says

– “I’d give almost anything to have just a little bit of your noise.”

A very special memorial for all those who lost a child to miscarriage.

Mother’s Day weekend I had the opportunity to support a dear friend of mine who suffered a miscarriage this spring.  Mother’s Day weekend.  A painful reminder of what was lost.  Locally our hospital holds a service for all that have lost a child to a miscarriage as a chance for families to grieve.  To go to the cemetery and celebrate those lost children and the impact they will forever have.  It was an incredible event.  I applaud them for providing this service and chance to grieve.   I’ve been there.  Back to my days before my boys.  I think back to the miscarriage.  My very first chance at motherhood – lost.  The heartbreak is real.  I think of all my friends and family that have suffered one or more miscarriages and the grief they feel and how Mother’s Day weekend can be very difficult.   Grief.  It stinks.  It’s an elephant in the room.  No one wants to talk about.  No one wants to feel it.  Just forget about it and it will go away.  Pretend it never happened.  STOP!  We need to talk about it.  We need to feel it.  It’s impossible to forget it and it will never go away (it gets better but it doesn’t go away.)  And it did happen. And on that Saturday I was reminded that regardless of age and regardless of race and regardless of religion that we are all painfully the same.  Every woman there was dealing with grief.  If not for ourselves, for someone else.

That is what it is all about.

We are not alone.

Woman.

There are other women out there going through what you are.

Woman.

You are not alone.

As much as someone may inspire you……YOU at this very moment are INSPIRING someone else.

I want to close with some things I’ve learned from the women in my life:

1.  Mom’s really do have eyes in the back of their heads….once you become a Mom they just appear.

2.  Dirty clothes, dirty dishes and dirty floors are a blessing.  It means you have clothes to wear, food to eat and people in your life that care enough to make your floor dirty.  Appreciate it.

3.  You don’t have to live up to every title given.  All mother-in-laws are not evil.  I  for one got a good one who supports me and our family more than I ever dreamed of.

4.  Never give up who you are.  If you love to fish and love sports – never stop fishing and never stop yelling at the refs or throwing foam bricks at those “darn Vikings!”  Thanks Great Grandma Esther for installing the love of sports in my boys.

5.  Always boil an extra potato.  You never know who might stop by at meal time.

6.  Know the spoon trick.  Small spoons make food go farther and big spoons make food disappear.  Trust me.  It works.  So if a few extra’s show up at meal time, use a small spoon in the serving dish.

7.  Always have something in the freezer.  An old friend stops by for coffee – get the cookies out or frozen dessert out.  Guaranteed it is impossible to stop by my Mom’s without getting dessert.

8.  Plant your flowers where YOU will see them.  If you are going to put the time and effort into them, make sure you can enjoy them.  Mine are visible from my kitchen sink and the dining room table as with growing boys that is where I spend a significant amount of time.

9.  Shopping.  Shoes.  Gardening.  Painting.  Even if it’s not your thing, if you do it with a friend, it can be a blast!

10.  You are never too old to be what you want to be when you grow up.  I had the honor of meeting a woman tonight who was ordained as a pastor at age 59.  There is still hope for me to figure this life out!

11.  Jesus turned water into wine to share with his friends.  There is a reason why a bottle of wine serves more than just one.  It is best when shared. (If anyone needs help with a bottle of wine, let me know.  I’m willing and able.)

12.  Love the men in your life but never let them replace the women in your life.

Till next time,

Deb

PS:  The really smart men in the world already know about #12….and they encourage you to keep up with the women in your life.