Girlfriends. Peeps. Tribe.

Girlfriends. Your peeps. The ones in your circle. Your tribe.

As many of you may know last fall I celebrated my 42nd birthday. That weekend, my three guys left for Minnesota on Thursday morning which meant I had the next almost four days to myself. I love my guys tremendously and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. However as women we tend to be designed to give and give and give some more without really opening ourselves to receiving.

My Guys. Love them to pieces but all the more reason why I need my girls.

Which brings me to Thursday. I had a bit of a tough week at work. On break I was scrolling through Facebook mindlessly passing the time, and came across a post in a group of mine. The post was about being 40 something, a mother, dealing with weakened bladders, graying hair and other random things that our bodies do after giving birth and aging not always so gracefully. I commented on the post and the original poster responded. Which brought about the idea to connect a friend of mine with some experience in creating private Facebook groups and this particular woman.

It was a gorgeous day outside and living in North Eastern North Dakota, by the middle of October, these are few and far between. I went home and did some yard work until it got dark. On a whim I decided to go to town to buy light bulbs as we seemed to have an abundance of burnt out bulbs. On my short drive to town my car overheated. We have had a few issues leading up to this point but not this bad. I call our friend Mike and asked if he had a spare vehicle for me. Long story short I was able to use an extended family members 1995 canary yellow Ford Ranger with a 5-speed on the floor (Such a happy little pickup! I think next time I am struggling with having a positive attitude I may just ask to borrow it for a day or two!!)

My little drive to town at 7 brought me home after 9 at which time I had a bowl of cereal for supper and went to bed.

Friday I went to work as normal. After lunch I ran Uptown to the local drug store to pick up some allergy meds. I came out, hopped in my little yellow pickup and watched as an elderly woman came walking down the sidewalk tripped and fell. I jumped out of the pickup as another woman walking down the sidewalk came running to this fallen woman. The Other Woman had on her scrubs and mentioned that she worked at the local Clinic. She and I helped the elderly woman up. She ensured that the lady was okay and reminded her that if anything started to hurt more to just stop in to the clinic. It made me start thinking. Thinking about sometimes in life you are in the right place at the right time. Thinking about how gracefully the other bystander handled the situation. And it reminded me of why I was looking so forward to spending the evening with one of my best girlfriends.

One of my Bestest Friends ever since living next door to each other in the dorm at college.

Fast forward several hours and I am in Fargo. We had supper as a group and headed back to the hotel where we relaxed and visited. Later that night my mind wandered again to that random Facebook post, a Good Samaritan on the sidewalk and why we all need our girlfriends in our lives.

Saturday morning I got up early after a few restless hours of sleep and headed to the BeeHive in Reynolds North Dakota. I met up with another friend, her husband and their girls and some others for a normal ritual Saturday morning breakfast. After breakfast Miss K, her girls and I headed to a craft show. We shopped. We laughed. I found a slide for Miss B to burn off some energy and we headed back to Kay’s house. We relaxed for a while and then left for the UND men’s hockey game. As Kay and I were eating supper she gave me my birthday card and we had quite the discussion of all the things we as women don’t tell other women that we really should. (Think issues post-childbirth.) We laughed and we laughed some more.

Miss K. Another bestest friend thanks to our tractor loving guys. (It’s our 10 year anniversary this year.)

Off to the hockey game (which thankfully the Fighting Sioux gave me a win for my birthday present) and then I came home to my quiet house. I thought about all of the social media birthday wishes I received. All the text messages. The phone calls. Even old fashioned birthday cards in the mail. I really am a pretty lucky girl.

Sunday morning I went to church and I sat and listened as our new female Pastor was formally installed. I sang along with our amazing worship band. I watched a newborn little girl be baptized.

I pondered the words on my bracelet on my wrist. “She believed she could so she did.” Surrounded by three charms given to me by my Rockstar. Soccer mom, beautiful, and a glass of red wine. And in that moment I realized that if we as women are going to raise strong independent women that we need to step up all of our games. My husband had drove sugar beet truck all night so he was home sleeping. I went to Panera and enjoyed a bagel. I had shared a random social media post to which I received some backlash to which I responded and of course those dishing out the backlash disappeared into the dark corners of social media rather than engage in a truly meaningful conversation with me. Girlfriends. It’s in times like these that you need your girlfriends. It is now Tuesday and one of my girlfriends is still responding with additional facts about said post.

My tribe.

Tuesday I ended up staying home with a stomach bug. Sent a text to my boss. Dropped kids off at school. Chatted with hubby. Turned my phone on vibrate and fell asleep on the couch for three hours. Woke up to our friend Mike saying “hey Deb?!?” I responded with “hey Mike, what’s up?” He told me he was just checking to see if I was alive or ok or what was going on!

You see normally if I am not going to be at work on time or if something comes up I drop a line to my boss AND another co-worker. In my I-really-don’t-want-to-puke-just-let-me-sleep state of mind, I FORGOT to include the other coworker. I also forgot that the boss was out of the office doing farm visits. Which lead to two co-workers/friends trying to call and text me to no avail. Tried hubby….no luck as he was in a business meeting. Finally contacted Mike and Kay. I slept thru their calls and texts too. Which lead Mike and one of his cousins driving to my house to see what was going on. Girlfriends that know you well enough to know when things just don’t add up and then call in more friends.

6 days from when I started writing this post, a new Facebook group exists called R.E.A.L Women’s Tribe. (Reaffirming, Educating, Authentically Living Life). If you fit the title search it out.

Life is hard. We all have our own trials, tribulations and struggles. Who do you call on in those times? Who can call on you? During this time of new life, new beginnings and spring….take a moment and thank your girlfriends for being who they are and for being willing to climb in the muddy trenches with you.

Keep believing,

Deb

Bullies. Boundaries. Buddies.

A brand new year. I am not one for making resolutions or setting big goals. It is just the way I am programmed. But this year I did join a private Facebook group. It is through Trailblazing Communications out of Fargo, North Dakota. I serve on a board with Marilyn and the concept behind Trailblazing Communications has always enthralled me. They offered an 88 day Wellness Group and I joined. So far it has been one of the best decisions I have made. It affords me the opportunity to self-reflect, self-heal, and plan to move forward. 

Check them out. http://www.trailblazingcommunications.com/

I have discovered along the way, sometimes you have to look backwards in order to close some old wounds in order to move forward. The other night as my boys we’re talking before bed and sent mom to the kitchen, I was doing some deep thinking. I grew up on a farm near a small town called Ipswich, South Dakota. Population 900. Class size 32. I spent grades one through six in our local Catholic School with an average grade size of 10 kids. Grade 7 through 12 were in the public school with an average class size of 30. Ipswich has an elevator, a gas station, a grocery store, a couple bars, and many churches. It is the county seat and a very typical rural town for most of South and North Dakota. And as in most small towns there tends to be a prominent family that takes charge. They may own the businesses or they may be very powerful in a church or there may be just so many of them that they make up the majority of the town. So what happens when that majority isn’t very kind to the non majority? I’m not here to bash anybody or in any way put down a small town but rather this is simply my story. 

Growing up in the 80’s and early 90’s I was a typical farm kid. We didn’t have much money. We were the kids that did chores and loaded pigs before we got on the school bus to go to school in the morning. We were the kids that knew how to drive long before our city counterparts. We were the kids that didn’t participate in sports because we had work to do on the farm. We were also the kids that were made fun of and picked on. “Oh you’re just a dumb farm kid. You smell like the farm. Why don’t you go back to your pigs and your cows. You’ll never be anything!” And for me who was slightly overweight as a kid you can imagine the rest of the things I was told. I was one of the straight-A students which made me a nerd as well.

Verbal bullies can be just as painful as physical.

It has taken me many years to forgive some of the people behind some of those statements. But through the grace of God and my faith I have. I will never forget but I have forgiven. And in forgiving, those moments and those people no longer have any control over my mind and my heart. What I do know is that the road to this point has not been easy. And I certainly haven’t traveled it alone. 

Kim was one of my best friends until she moved away. Thanks to social media we can still chat.

Junior High and high school I had a couple really, really great friends. They were outsiders just as I was. There was a point in junior high where I stopped being the shy kid that just took everything thrown at me. Instead I became outspoken and a bit of a rebel. I put on the mentality of “I don’t care what anybody thinks.”  We all know we care what other people think of us even though we know we shouldn’t. I didn’t let that show. I went ahead and got my straight A’s and I partied and I drank and I don’t regret a moment of those years. 

Jason, myself, Eric. I had several good guy friends. These two were my rocks back then. Eric, my boyfriend and first love. Jason, our neighbor, my racing buddy, and still one of my best friends today.

In that time I discovered the meaning of a true friend. Someone who will have fun with you. Someone who will get in trouble with you. Someone who will have your back so you don’t get in trouble. I had a few true friends back then.

Traci. My best friend. We were crazy. We had too much fun. We broke the rules. We had each other’s backs. We even sank a paddle boat once. She has not had an easy life and I admire her strength to change and grow every day.

I have even more these days. 

Part of the 88 Days Revolution includes weekly video calls. The subject recently was boundaries. What they are, how to set them and the importance of understanding and utilizing them. Boundaries are good. Boundaries are necessary. Boundaries are hard to set and respect though. Setting boundaries helps you protect yourself and it helps you ask for help and receive help. When you realize you’ve accomplished a boundary it is life changing. 
These days Nate is gone, a lot, for work. (I have an ever growing respect for single parents. You all amaze and inspire me.) I recently started my new position at work. I was about an hour away from my office and had carpooled with others from the office for a meeting. 10:30 AM the dreaded text message from Little Bears para. He was throwing up. Now what. I’m an hour from my car, and another 40 minutes from his school. Nate is 3 hours away. Our best friends (who I would normally call to help me in this situation) are in the hospital with their newborn. So now what? 

I think. And then think some more. Send a text to Nate hoping for one of his great ideas. Nothing. Then it hits me. My friend Tanya and fellow special needs mom had the day off and just happened to be in Grand Forks for some appointments. I send a casual text (can’t seem too desperate, right?) to see what time her appointments were. I told her my situation and her words were simply “if you need me to get Bear and take him home just say the word.” My heart jumped for joy…”YES PLEASE!!!!” 

Ask for help. Receive it gracefully. Thank the good Lord for knowing my boundaries and for awesome friends. 

A beyond-awesome-coworker-mom-best-friend, Tanya. Who else would volunteer to pick up your child, throwing up, at the drop of a hat or text message in this case.

How in the world do you connect a puking child to bullies?  

First, if we teach our children from a young age that it is OK to have, set and verbalize boundaries it is harder for a bully to get inside. If the bully does get inside, having those boundaries makes it a whole lot easier to not blame themselves for what is happening and hopefully make it easier to reach out for help. 

Is it easy? Heavens no! It has taken me four decades to figure it out. But I am trying very hard to teach my kids about boundaries.  With everything we learn and we grow and as a woman of faith, I know there is always forgiveness and grace. 

Do I regret growing up in Ipswich and dealing with bullies? Not anymore. Those experiences are all part of who I have become. Today when I witness or sense those kinds of actions, a fire burns in my belly. It’s the advocacy fire. I fight for the underdogs. I try to teach the underdogs. And in that fight, I have boundaries. And I have an incredible circle of friends who will stand and fight with me. 

These friends will open their homes to us when Bear has surgery and we need a place to sleep. These friends will pick up a sick child for you. These friends will pray for you even when you don’t ask. These are the people who will get into trouble with you. They are the ones that will show up with bail money if you ever needed too. They have the key to your house and to your soul. 

Part of my wall. My college girlfriends. Always there. Always available. Always.

Even in being bullied, I discovered true buddies and we protected each other creating a boundary.  

It’s the second month of 2017. Take a little time for you. Take a class. Join a group. Call a friend for coffee. Find 10 minutes locked in the bathroom with headphones on to listen to an uplifting song if you must. Give forgiveness. Ask for forgiveness. Set a boundary. 

Shining in the chaos,

Deb

My second week of the new job. It’s an exciting opportunity. Changing the world. One day at a time.

Happy New Year’s Eve. Or Happy New Year. I think……

The end of 2016 is upon us. It has been a crazy year. Lots of famous people passing away. An epic election. A nasty protest in ND. DHS (Department of Human Services) budget cuts in ND with more to come. A job change for Nate. Major orthopedic surgery for Bear. The Big 40. The untimely passing of a friend. Christmas Ice Storm. And more. 

New Years Eve sunset at my in-laws farm near Glenwood, MN.

Bring on 2017!!!
Or maybe wait. Or maybe what the heck….Bring it on. 

I think we might all go through some of these emotions. Please let the past be in the past or maybe let’s slow down time. Here is a crazy idea: let’s let it be and enjoy every second left of 2016 and prepare to enjoy every moment of 2017. 

Our life has been a bit of a zoo. Nate took his new job in May with Farmers Edge. It has been a very positive change in our lives. However with all positive changes come some adjustments. Nate is on the road more than he used to be but yet he has more flexibility. The biggest plus is his better attitude and positive outlook on life again. 

My Rockstar. Growing up so fast. I’d be lost without this kid. Thanks to Amanda Becker Photography for capturing his spirit.

Rockstar. 7th Grade. 13 years old. All the emotions and temperament that goes with it. I like to say he is either acting like a 3 year old or a 30 year old. Oyh. In all of this he is still the best big brother Little Bear could ask for. He is my Rockstar when Dad is gone. He makes supper. He shovels snow. He builds snow forts. He wins honorable mentions in middle school dance competitions. He gives the best hugs. He loves unconditionally.

This was a candid shot by Amanda Becker Photography. Little Bear showing his love and admiration for our Rockstar. An absolute favorite picture of mine. Thanks Amanda for capturing what only I normally see.

Little Bear. So innocent….most of the time! He was still pretending to be shy on this picture with Amanda Becker Photography.

Bear. What a year! Major orthopedic surgery on both feet to correct congenital deformaties along with issues caused by CP (cerebral palsey). Five incisions on his right foot and two on his left. All done in one surgery. Five hours or so under anesthesia. Four weeks in short casts. Six weeks non-weight bearing. Learning how to walk again. Learning how to balance again. Bear knows that this whole long process is to help him run faster and slam dunk a basketball.  (Mom knows it is to keep him mobile and able to be independent his whole life long.) 

Little Bears casts with a little Christmas cheer.

Little Bear showing off his new AFO’s ( Ankle Foot Orthotics). First picture after casts. He was pretty excited.

Advocacy. It never stops. First agriculture. Farm Bureau events in our county and region and state. Soon to come, another national educational event. I was a voting delegate at our state Farm Bureau convention. We vote on policy for both ND and national farm issues. One issue in particular cut me deep in the soul. One in regards to Farm Loan Programs. One that I will have the power to change one day soon. I don’t care if we are a government agency. We are still people and our Farmers are all MY farmers. And all people deserve to be treated in a timely fashion and with respect. Bring on 2017. Yes I shall change the world…One personal interaction at a time. 

Advocacy. Life in the world of disabilities. Little Bears surgery has been in the making for a very long time. Little Bear is covered under our private health insurance as well as Medicaid through the state of North Dakota. ND medicaid does not want to approve Little Bears surgery in MN. Long story short they claim that the single pediatric orthopedic surgeon in ND is equivalent to the 13+ pediatric orthopedic surgeons at Gillette Children’s hospital in St. Paul. I disagree. I tried to resubmit our request for out of state services which I was told we could not. I then filed for a hearing. (This all started in September. I couldn’t have our hearing until December 20. Any red tape here?!?!?) I still don’t know the formal opinion or outcome. What I do know is that this Mama Bear doesn’t just curl up in her den and hibernate. 

Brothers forever. What if it was your child or grandchild or niece or nephew or cousin or neighbor? What if????

All I know at this moment is that I won’t quit. It’s not just about Little Bear but about all the kiddos out there with only Medicaid. It’s about all the kiddos who don’t have parents willing to or capable of fighting. It’s about the fact that a surgery on a nine year old may make the difference between a person relying on taxpayer provided services all their life or being able to walk independently, stand independently, work independently and be able to support themselves and PAY taxes back into the system. 

Yes, this is a thorn in my side. $700. With our awesome private insurance this is our copay: $700. ND Medicaid is fighting us over $700. The state utilized an administrative law judge, the Assistant States Attorney, multiple people from DHS, including the physician who denied our claim, who has never met or seen Little Bear. Two people from DHS to simply “observe” the hour long hearing and another employee of DHS who works with out of state services. Think the state has spent $700 yet?  Think if the judge recommends a denial that I will quit the fight? Not on your life. 

Why does any of this matter? We have a new president taking office. Like him or hate him, January inauguration is inevitable. Some of the proposals for Medicaid and Medicare and nothing short of scary. Do they need reform? Absolutely. Please don’t be led blindly into believing what is proposed is fabulous. My ask of you? Read a little. Get educated. Call or write just one of your congressional representatives. Tell them you exist. Tell them your story.  Everybody knows at least one person who utilizes these programs. If you say you don’t, then use Little Bear. You’ve read about him. You may know him personally. If not, let me know and let’s make it happen. Come meet Little Bear. Let’s sit down over coffee or a beer and chat. 

Bowling. One of Little Bears favorite pastimes. Momma Bear letting him fly but still there to catch him. 6 1/2 weeks post surgery. Walking and bowling on his own with a little guidance and help.

Bring on 2017. My wish is for a little less chaos. My wish is for gratitude. My wish is for faith. My wish is for people to do their best to find joy in the little things. My wish is for people to stop worrying about what other people think and let their light shine through. My wish is for people to stop and enjoy a sunset or a sunrise or a mouse. My wish is to change the world, one moment at a time. 
Reflect on 2016. Keep the great moments close to your heart. Throw away all the crap. Looking forward to a fabulous 2017. Let your light shine brightly! 

Shining brightly till next time,

No makeup. Yoga pants. Tractor tshirt. Crazy headband. Take me happy as I am or too bad for you. My word for 2017: shine.

Deb.