A brand new year. I am not one for making resolutions or setting big goals. It is just the way I am programmed. But this year I did join a private Facebook group. It is through Trailblazing Communications out of Fargo, North Dakota. I serve on a board with Marilyn and the concept behind Trailblazing Communications has always enthralled me. They offered an 88 day Wellness Group and I joined. So far it has been one of the best decisions I have made. It affords me the opportunity to self-reflect, self-heal, and plan to move forward.
Check them out. http://www.trailblazingcommunications.com/
I have discovered along the way, sometimes you have to look backwards in order to close some old wounds in order to move forward. The other night as my boys we’re talking before bed and sent mom to the kitchen, I was doing some deep thinking. I grew up on a farm near a small town called Ipswich, South Dakota. Population 900. Class size 32. I spent grades one through six in our local Catholic School with an average grade size of 10 kids. Grade 7 through 12 were in the public school with an average class size of 30. Ipswich has an elevator, a gas station, a grocery store, a couple bars, and many churches. It is the county seat and a very typical rural town for most of South and North Dakota. And as in most small towns there tends to be a prominent family that takes charge. They may own the businesses or they may be very powerful in a church or there may be just so many of them that they make up the majority of the town. So what happens when that majority isn’t very kind to the non majority? I’m not here to bash anybody or in any way put down a small town but rather this is simply my story.
Growing up in the 80’s and early 90’s I was a typical farm kid. We didn’t have much money. We were the kids that did chores and loaded pigs before we got on the school bus to go to school in the morning. We were the kids that knew how to drive long before our city counterparts. We were the kids that didn’t participate in sports because we had work to do on the farm. We were also the kids that were made fun of and picked on. “Oh you’re just a dumb farm kid. You smell like the farm. Why don’t you go back to your pigs and your cows. You’ll never be anything!” And for me who was slightly overweight as a kid you can imagine the rest of the things I was told. I was one of the straight-A students which made me a nerd as well.
Verbal bullies can be just as painful as physical.
It has taken me many years to forgive some of the people behind some of those statements. But through the grace of God and my faith I have. I will never forget but I have forgiven. And in forgiving, those moments and those people no longer have any control over my mind and my heart. What I do know is that the road to this point has not been easy. And I certainly haven’t traveled it alone.
Kim was one of my best friends until she moved away. Thanks to social media we can still chat.
Junior High and high school I had a couple really, really great friends. They were outsiders just as I was. There was a point in junior high where I stopped being the shy kid that just took everything thrown at me. Instead I became outspoken and a bit of a rebel. I put on the mentality of “I don’t care what anybody thinks.” We all know we care what other people think of us even though we know we shouldn’t. I didn’t let that show. I went ahead and got my straight A’s and I partied and I drank and I don’t regret a moment of those years.
Jason, myself, Eric. I had several good guy friends. These two were my rocks back then. Eric, my boyfriend and first love. Jason, our neighbor, my racing buddy, and still one of my best friends today.
In that time I discovered the meaning of a true friend. Someone who will have fun with you. Someone who will get in trouble with you. Someone who will have your back so you don’t get in trouble. I had a few true friends back then.
Traci. My best friend. We were crazy. We had too much fun. We broke the rules. We had each other’s backs. We even sank a paddle boat once. She has not had an easy life and I admire her strength to change and grow every day.
I have even more these days.
Part of the 88 Days Revolution includes weekly video calls. The subject recently was boundaries. What they are, how to set them and the importance of understanding and utilizing them. Boundaries are good. Boundaries are necessary. Boundaries are hard to set and respect though. Setting boundaries helps you protect yourself and it helps you ask for help and receive help. When you realize you’ve accomplished a boundary it is life changing.
These days Nate is gone, a lot, for work. (I have an ever growing respect for single parents. You all amaze and inspire me.) I recently started my new position at work. I was about an hour away from my office and had carpooled with others from the office for a meeting. 10:30 AM the dreaded text message from Little Bears para. He was throwing up. Now what. I’m an hour from my car, and another 40 minutes from his school. Nate is 3 hours away. Our best friends (who I would normally call to help me in this situation) are in the hospital with their newborn. So now what?
I think. And then think some more. Send a text to Nate hoping for one of his great ideas. Nothing. Then it hits me. My friend Tanya and fellow special needs mom had the day off and just happened to be in Grand Forks for some appointments. I send a casual text (can’t seem too desperate, right?) to see what time her appointments were. I told her my situation and her words were simply “if you need me to get Bear and take him home just say the word.” My heart jumped for joy…”YES PLEASE!!!!”
Ask for help. Receive it gracefully. Thank the good Lord for knowing my boundaries and for awesome friends.
A beyond-awesome-coworker-mom-best-friend, Tanya. Who else would volunteer to pick up your child, throwing up, at the drop of a hat or text message in this case.
How in the world do you connect a puking child to bullies?
First, if we teach our children from a young age that it is OK to have, set and verbalize boundaries it is harder for a bully to get inside. If the bully does get inside, having those boundaries makes it a whole lot easier to not blame themselves for what is happening and hopefully make it easier to reach out for help.
Is it easy? Heavens no! It has taken me four decades to figure it out. But I am trying very hard to teach my kids about boundaries. With everything we learn and we grow and as a woman of faith, I know there is always forgiveness and grace.
Do I regret growing up in Ipswich and dealing with bullies? Not anymore. Those experiences are all part of who I have become. Today when I witness or sense those kinds of actions, a fire burns in my belly. It’s the advocacy fire. I fight for the underdogs. I try to teach the underdogs. And in that fight, I have boundaries. And I have an incredible circle of friends who will stand and fight with me.
These friends will open their homes to us when Bear has surgery and we need a place to sleep. These friends will pick up a sick child for you. These friends will pray for you even when you don’t ask. These are the people who will get into trouble with you. They are the ones that will show up with bail money if you ever needed too. They have the key to your house and to your soul.
Part of my wall. My college girlfriends. Always there. Always available. Always.
Even in being bullied, I discovered true buddies and we protected each other creating a boundary.
It’s the second month of 2017. Take a little time for you. Take a class. Join a group. Call a friend for coffee. Find 10 minutes locked in the bathroom with headphones on to listen to an uplifting song if you must. Give forgiveness. Ask for forgiveness. Set a boundary.
Shining in the chaos,
Deb
My second week of the new job. It’s an exciting opportunity. Changing the world. One day at a time.
MomWifeWhatAboutMe 