Eight…..8…..Eight…..

This has to stop. I wish I had a pause button. I wish I could gather the young people that are hurting tonight and give them a warm meal, a hug and a safe place to lay their head. I wish a city in western ND didn’t have to bury the 8th student this school year. 8. Yes, you read that correctly, Eight Kids. Mental health. Car accidents. Murder. Illness. Suicide. 8.

That’s 8 less future carpenters, doctors, parents, engineers, life-savers. 8.

How many more I ask?

This is one town. In one state. In one Country. Think about that. Start doing some basic math, even if it was as low as 8 per state that still makes 400 student deaths. In one school year. A cure for cancer? Might have just died. A fix for global warming? Might have just died. The chef for you 80th Birthday party? Might have just died.

How many more I ask?

“Kids have it so easy today. Kids today are so spoiled. Kids need better parents. It’s social media’s fault. It’s all the smart phones. It’s the lack of hard, physical work. These kids just need some good, old fashioned discipline.”

Have you heard any of these? Have you said any of these?

Mental health issues suck. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. Feeling lost and alone sucks. Addiction sucks. As an adult with coping skills and a strong network of friends these things suck. Imagine as a kid without a strong family or without friends and certainly without some of the coping skills. You just went to the next level of “sucks.” But Death is worse.

Do you ever gather around the water cooler or break room table at work and someone comments that they are really struggling right now with anxiety? Doubtful. If someone did, would they receive support? Blank stares? Or perhaps a comment like “Oh suck it up! Put on your Big-Girl-Panties!”

Do you ever ask for recommendations for a good car mechanic? How about a dentist? Eye doctor? Restaurant? Movie reviews?

What about recommendations for a good therapist or counselor or psychologist, psychiatrist, life-coach?

Why is it so easy to ask and answer the first list of questions? Why don’t we ever ask or answer the second list? Are they not just as important? Or even MORE important?

My Tattoo from this summer. Purple for epilepsy awareness, green for Cerebral Palsy awareness, Defy Normal cuz that is what our household does.

8 Potential film directors. 8 potential restaurant owners. 8 potential therapists. 8 potential Police Officers. Gone.

When will we take action? at 10? or 12? or is it 25? 100? How many youth need to die before you decide to make a difference? Does it have to be your child? What if your loved one becomes number 9 or number 10 or number 100? Does it matter then?

How is it that we have gotten so far down this road that life does not matter any more? How is it that it is more important to have a positive image in the eyes of a friend or family member or your supervisor or your employer than it is to take care of one another?

What are you going to do? Anything? Nothing? You say it’s not your problem. Oh but it is. If you make the wise-cracks at work about kids these days, you are part of the problem. If you are the boss or the employer that is so rigid that an employee is scared to take time off to see their therapist or counselor, you are part of the problem. If you believe that the next generation should just conform to how things have always been, you are part of the problem. If you see and acknowledge the problem but still choose to do nothing, you are still part of the problem.

If you are raising young people, HUG them, love them, give them boundaries. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE. Go out for ice cream or a frappuccino. Listen to them. Engage in what is important to them. Have some house rules and stick to them. Eat together. At a table. With no phones. Try it once….you might enjoy it. (PS doesn’t matter what you eat, take-out, cereal or a four-course meal!)

If you are not currently raising young people, get involved. Volunteer. Maybe it is to read a book to an elementary class. Maybe it is to teach a skill to a school group. Maybe you ask a youngster to help you learn your new smartphone. Show-up. Go to the basketball game. Congratulate the kid that scored. Volunteer at your local church. Mentor someone. Listen. Be the one that kid number 9 can call when they feel they have no place else to turn. Be the hug or the warm meal or a safe place to sleep.

Smile. Complement a stranger. Help a stranger. Forgive. Such a small word. Such a big impact. If someone did you wrong – forgive them. (You will never forget, but you can forgive.) There is this magical power that comes from forgiveness. It is a weight off your shoulders. That makes you a little lighter in your step.

Be kind. Every person has their own set of struggles and quite frankly you have no idea how big or small they might be. Saying “Good Morning” or opening a door or sometimes just listening can be the life vest of hope that one person needs. Because “kids these days” are watching. What you do at the grocery store, just might inspire a kid to do the same. And that may be the difference in saving number 9.

Since I started writing this a few days ago, it came to my attention that on a slippery Friday night in ND an older gentleman fell and his wife wasn’t able to help him up. She came across two high school boys and asked if they could help. Without a second thought, they did. No recognition wanted or needed. Just doing what was right. Kids these days.

Lets stop at 8. YOU can make a difference.

• Is it too risky to help someone?
• Is it too risky to save a life?
• Is saving one life worth it?

Till next time, be kind.

Deb

This tree is a favorite of so many people that grew up driving this gravel road. It stands alone, but it stands. It has faced many, many storms but still stands.

This Changes Everything

Faith. Fear. Castaway. Calvary. Parenthood. Music. Social media. Friends. Beer and Hymns.

A random group of words but not so random.

This Changes Everything.

My first encounter with this phrase was earlier this year as a newly written song by a dear friend Nolan Weisz (and his friend Jon Dahl.) The “this” is about the death and rising of our savior Jesus Christ. (Take a listen here  This Changes Everything!)

The “this” is about becoming more Christ-like in our everyday living. “This” is about becoming better disciples.

This song is still my go-to no matter what is going on in my life. What the “this” is changes constantly. However the “this” truly does change everything.

Faith Changes Everything. Faith can truly change everything. Faith can be your guide through the hard times. Faith can be your sunshine making the good times better. Faith as your religion. Faith in your friends and family. Faith in those that show kindness. Faith that the sun will rise again tomorrow.

Another gorgeous sunrise on my way to work. Faith in a new day dawning.

Fear changes everything. Fear can be useful and protect us from danger. However, fear more frequently paralyzes us. The fear of the unknown. The fear of the future. The fear of failure. The fear of others opinions. The fear of death. The fear of life. Are you fulfilling your life’s calling or are you living in fear of your calling? What if your calling isn’t your day job? What fear is holding you back? If you face that fear will it change everything?

Castaway changes everything. Castaway is a camp/retreat near Detroit Lakes, Minnesota that is run by Young Life. It is an amazing place. Thanks to my Rockstar I accompanied him and several other middle schoolers to a weekend retreat at Castaway. The main musician for the weekend had also wrote a song called “This Changes Everything”. It is very different from Nolan’s but no less powerful. Castaway changes youth. Castaway changes adults. Castaway changed me and my view of the youth of today. There are good people in the world trying their best to be kind and spread joy. These youth are learning to use their faith to conquer fear and “change everything”.

My Sunday morning view from Castaway. Peace.

Calvary changes everything. The Calvary from biblical times truly changed everything in the Christian world. My Calvary is my church. My Calvary changes everything. Calvary is not just a beautiful building here in Grand Forks but my church home. The people here have accepted me and more importantly my boys. Calvary engages my boys in their Christian education and then they bring me to Castaway. Sometimes it’s a sermon. Sometimes it’s the music. Always it is the people. It’s volunteering at Holy Grounds, our coffee shop. It is watching tons of little kids go up for Kids Time. It is having the chance to throw your pennies in a dish held by a little set of hands, knowing that every penny matters.

Parenthood changes everything. Parenthood brings joy, sadness, worry, contentment, and so much more. It is impossible to not be changed by parenthood. There might be stretch marks and an out-of-shape midriff. There will be deep love, deep joy and tears of sadness and joy. My boys have changed me and continue to change me daily. Those of us that are raising kiddos with special needs know that “this changes everything” is even a bigger saying and life moment.

Little Bear with a friends foster dog. They became good buds in two nights.

Music changes everything. I’ve always had a deep love of music. Growing up, music was always on the radio. I’ve listened to polkas and waltz’s, the oldies, classic rock, old country, new country, hip-hop, current pop, Christian rock, church hymns and everything in between. Music brings my soul to life. I’ve played piano and clarinet. I love to sing (my car is my studio.) My Bose radio is one possession I don’t think I could live without. My Rockstar has played cello and alto sax. Little Bear is learning to play the drums. We make up silly songs. When my boys were little and had a hard time settling down I would sing “Amazing Grace” and “Jesus Loves Me” to them. When I am struggling I find myself listening to Nolan and Jon with Good Shepherd Worship. The combination of their musical skills and the songs they sing ground me and give me hope. It may change my mood, my attitude, my day or my moment, but it always changes something.

Social media changes everything. Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter or whatever you may use changes everything. Sometimes for good. Sometimes for bad. I enjoy social media for catching news blurbs, sharing my kids with our distant family and friends, connecting with people who I may never connect with otherwise. The scary is the online bullies for our youth and even ourselves. It can consume our minds and time and take us away from truly important interactions. The always happy and always perfect picture we paint can intensify feelings of anxiety, depression, and inadequacy in others. Good or bad? What are you changing with your use of social media?

My Rockstar hanging out with mom. I know these times may dwindle in the coming teenage years.

Friends change everything. Friends open their homes to you for a place to sleep when out-of-town for doctor appointments.

My dear friend Lisa. Her home becomes our home when we are in St. Paul for Little Bears appointments. She even let us crash her birthday this fall. Such an amazing person!

Friends give you their hockey ticket so you can hang out together.

Kay and I with Miss B at her very first UND hockey game. I’m grateful to Mike for willingly giving up his ticket some nights so we girls can hang out.

Friends decipher IEP’s (Individual Education Plan) for your kids. Friends make supper. Friends do not care when your house and your life is a mess. Friends call or text for no reason. Friends push you out of your comfort zone. Friends will face your fear with you. Friends change our life picture from gray to vibrant and colorful. They add rainbows and sunshine and pure craziness!

Friends are made at all places and all times in our lives. From school, to the neighborhood to places like Castaway and Calvary. Friends are made in Parenthood. Friends make music together, they go to concerts together. They will randomly break into song with the right phrase. Music brings friends together for Beer and Hymns.

Beer and Hymns changes everything. Imagine sitting in a small brewery enjoying a beer with a cousin and some friends. Imagine listening to your favorite music while enjoying a beer. Imagine combining all that into an evening. Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in Moorhead, Minnesota does just this. Some of their musicians come out to a little brewery called Junkyard Brewery in Moorhead (Check them out – they have great beer too!) where they play church hymns and songs of worship while enjoying a beer with new and old friends.

Hymns & Beer with Good Shepherd Worship at Junkyard Brewery in Moorhead, MN

I have a cousin that attends that church. I have a friend and musician, Nolan, that works for that church. The three of us are connected on social media. The two of them know another woman in Grand Forks who enjoys their music and the beer. My cousin connected the two of us on Facebook. We realize we both go to Calvary. We are both fans and friends of Nolan’s. We both love music. We connect on social media and end up car pooling to Hymns and Beer one Sunday evening in November to join my cousin, some other friends and many other people to sing with Nolan. It was truly good for my soul.

When we are open to the universe things change. When we have a little faith things change. When we face our fears things change. When we go to new or old places with an open and kind heart things change. When we sing and dance things change. When we drink beer with a new-found friend things change.

A smile. A kind word. A chance. A little fear. A lot more faith. A friend. A song. A beer. These are just some of my “This” in This Changes Everything.

In this season of Christmas and parties and cookies and sometimes chaos, take a moment and enjoy the music. What is your “this”? What will you do or say that may be someone elses “this”? Is it a family tradition? Or a favorite cookie recipe? Is it seeing family? Is it forgiving someone? Is it simply a smile to a stranger? Whatever it is, find your “this”.

May your light shine brightly and change everything,

Deb

PS: for more musical motivation from Nolan and Jon follow them on Facebook. I made it easy….use these links.

You can connect with Good Shepherd Worship on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/goodshepherdworship/

Nolan Weisz Music on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nolanweiszmusic/

Jon Dahl Music on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jondahlmusic/

Our Gillette Children’s Hospital Story.

“I have some concerns.” Words from our 20 week ultrasound.

“The baby’s brain isn’t formed correctly. The baby may need surgery immediately after birth.” Words from a checkup about a month before birth.

“It’s a boy! He looks very healthy.” Words immediately after birth. 

“The MRI shows that Austin has Schizencephaly. He will more than likely never walk. Never talk. He is at high risk for seizures. He will have severe mental and developmental delays.” Words after the MRI at two months old.

Christmas Photo 2007

“I don’t know anything about schizencephaly but I will find out and do whatever we have to do to take care of Austin” Words from our pediatrician. 

“I think you should see Dr. Kevin Murphy. He is a great physician from Gillette Children’s Outreach services. He can help Austin physically. Plus you can see him right here in Alexandria, MN.” Words from our pediatrician when Austin was about 18 months old. 

Words are very powerful. They can give you hope and they can crush you. Any family that has dealt with extra medical stuff knows all too well that simple words can be more powerful than the latest medical breakthrough.

Austin was born in 2007 with Schizencephaly, a rare brain migrational disorder. If you were to look at his MRI you would see a big cleft on the left side of his brain along with other parts of the brain too smooth or too rippled or slightly out of place. This has led to additional diagnosis of cerebral palsey, epilepsy, and restless leg syndrome. He has significant high muscle tone (his muscles are super tight all the time) on the right side of his body. He is primarily nonverbal. He uses sign language and gestures. He also uses lots of words, but people that aren’t with him on a regular basis would never understand him. He has a communication device which is a specialized tablet type device with software loaded with all kinds of icons and language. With a touch of the screen it will speak for him. Austin is very capable of using the device when he wants too. 

July 2014. We FINALLY received Little Bears new “talker” (Communication Device). He was very excited to have his new voice.

All medical stuff aside, Austin is a very typical nine year old boy. He loves sports. Especially football, soccer, hockey, baseball and basketball. He fights with his brother. He reads books. He makes pudding and knows how to empty the dishwasher. He folds towels and cleans toilets. He rides bike. He gives great hugs and tells me every day that he loves Mom 100%. 

Our Gillette story has many characters including Dr. Kevin Murphy, Ross Huebner, Joni, Deb H, Dr. Novak and many more. Our story takes place all over Minnesota. We lived in Starbuck. Austin was born at Abbott in Minneapolis. We have seen outreach staff in Brainerd, Bemidji, Detroit Lakes, Alexandria and our current favorite spot is Crookston. 

Our first appointment with Dr. Kevin Murphy lasted several hours. He read all of Austin’s medical records. He talked to us. He talked to big brother Nick. He watched Austin scoot around and try to do everything asked of him. Hope.

He prescribed our first pair of AFO’s (Ankle Foot Orthotics). He prescribed a soft splint for his right hand. Hope.  (Video is from the summer of 2010.  Some of Little Bear’s first independent steps.  He is wearing his second or possibly his third pair of AFO’s made by Ross from Gillette.  I give a lot of credit to Gillette for this huge accomplishment!)

We met Ross. Ross casted Austin for that first set of AFO’s. He answered all our questions. We talked tractors. We talked family. Hope. Connections. 

Austin has had the privilege of seeing Dr. Murphy or one of his associates every three months for the last eight years. He has also had the opportunity of working with Ross that whole time as well. We moved from Starbuck, MN to Grand Forks, ND six years ago and still only travel 20 miles to see these people. Convenience. Helpful. Hope. 

Austin loves his braces (that’s what we call his AFO’s). He wears them every day from the moment he gets dressed in the morning until bedtime. When he grows and the braces need an adjustment we call or email and see Ross with a 20 minute drive to Crookston. It is guaranteed that Ross will bring a smile to Austin’s face and many times Ross will get a hug on the way out. Ross is almost like family to us. Once, and only once we attempted to use another provider (thanks to medicaid rules) for Austin’s braces. It was a nightmare. They lasted less than a week before I called, begging for Ross to fit us in for new moldings. He did. Austin has always been excited to get his new braces but this time I think he jumped for joy. Helpful. Caring. Consistent. Hope. Happy.

About a year ago, Dr. Murphy suggested that we travel to Gillette Children’s hospital in St. Paul to complete a gait lab and follow up with an orthopedic surgeon. Austin was cooperative but nervous during the gait lab until he found out that the technician could turn him into a robot on the computer. Then it was a real life computer game where he could walk or run and then see it on the screen. 

July 2016 Gait Study at Gillette. All the little lights are sensors that helped “create the robot” showing exactly how he walks. Amazing technology at work.

In August we followed up with Dr. Novak for the results and next steps. One of Austin’s favorite colors is purple and we just happened to see Dr. Novak in a purple room. Touch screen games in the waiting room removed the nervousness for Austin. The x-rays were even fun. Kid focused. Fun. Healthy. Happy. 

We scheduled surgery for November. It was a Single-Event Multilevel Surgery (SEMLS) on both feet. I’ll skip the medical jargon and say this:  on the left we fixed his flat foot with two incisions.  On the right, we fixed his flat foot, moved his heel, lengthened and straightened his tibia (the front bone in your lower leg) and lengthened his calf muscle with a total of five incisions. We prepared. In Austin’s words he was getting new feet that would help him run faster and slam dunk a basketball. Big ideas. Hope.

We arrived for surgery. Even though Gillette Children’s hospital in St Paul was under some construction, it was still an amazing facility. Austin was calm but nervous. Mom and Dad were calm but nervous. Two Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeons, a whole slew of nurses and others to complete the surgery, fit him for new AFO’s, dress both feet in giant bandages and five hours later Austin made it to recovery. Then he was off to his own room with an Xbox 360 all for him to play. He had amazing nurses and aides. Every day of our hospital stay a young man, Casey, was his nurses aid. He quickly became Austin’s favorite. To the point that one day he even asked for the “tall boy”.  Caring. Amazing. Healthy. Hope. 

November 21, 2016. Gran and Little Bear having some fun while recovering at Gillette Children’s Hospital post surgery.

Austin’s favorite color is blue and his favorite books are Pete the Cat books. (Pete is an all blue cat with a unique perspective on life.) Of course he had blue casts. We came to call his casts his Pete the Cat feet. After our stay at Gillette and a few days at Grandma and Grandpa’s house we came back home to Grand Forks, ND.  Austin’s first request was to play baseball. In his wheelchair, covered in blankets, he smiled from ear to ear holding his aluminum bat while Grandma pitched to him. Happiness. Hope. 

November 25, 2016. First day home from surgery. Playing some baseball with big brother.

Four weeks later, Mom, Grandma and Austin headed back to St. Paul. We said goodbye to the Pete the Cat feet and were fitted for his new, blue, AFO’s. And then he stood and took a few steps with Mom’s help. Absolutely amazing. Another four weeks, x-rays, a little more flexibility worked into his AFO’s and happily walking, almost running, away. Amazing. New feet rock! Hope.

Free of our Pete the Cat blue casts and sporting our new blue AFO’s. His smile says it all.

Three months since surgery and Austin spent a beautiful day outside shoveling snow, playing basketball and jumping over puddles. He is already talking about Special Olympics Soccer this summer. He will be faster. He will be stronger. He is hoping to bring home gold this year. Goals. Dreams. 

Words are powerful. Actions are powerful. At the end of the day it is still all about the people. When I think of Gillette, it is not of the big, beautiful hospital in downtown St. Paul it is of the people and what they have given Austin. Hope. Dreams. Health. Happiness. Gillette is Dr. Novak and Dr. Murphy and Ross and Deb and so many more real, caring people. A visit to any of these people is a promise of a great future for Austin. A 20 minute drive to Crookston for all the little things is convenience for Mom and Dad. It means we get the best of the best to care for Austin in our neighborhood. We aren’t alone. Most of the time, Ross and others are booked solid all day. Outreach Services allow us to take the least amount of time off from work and school. It saves us money in travel expenses. It gives us peace of mind to always see the same provider. I don’t want to imagine our lives if Gillette didn’t have their outreach services. Having the positive experiences we have had and given the uncertainties in the medical and insurance world’s these days, I worry about the future. Still Gillette’s outreach services have been one solid rock for our family, a known and trustworthy resource that I hope only continues to grow.  

Convenience. Helpful. Hope. Family. 

Four months since surgery and Austin is back to riding bike, playing basketball and soccer and running with his friends. All things he was never to be able to accomplish. To families facing new diagnosis and new referrals to Gillette, know that the future is bright. You’ll have top notch providers and caring people on your side. Your kiddos will only be limited by their imagination. (Families if you have any questions on our journey or what might happen on yours please reach out.)

Hope. Never give up hope. 

Always a party waiting to happen. Try to tell this face what he can’t do….I dare you!

The Elephant In The Room.

Anxiety…. according to the dictionary anxiety is a “feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” As much as I enjoy writing, this is very hard. All of us will deal with some level of anxiety at some point or several points in our life. But when is it too much? According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) “people with generalized anxiety disorder display excessive anxiety or worry for months. Symptoms can include restlessness, feeling on the edge, fatigue, irritability and more.”

What I do know is I finally recognized and admitted to some symptoms of anxiety and depression and sought help. My life has changed. As many as one and three people deal with some form of mental health issues like depression and anxiety at some point in their life. Which means there are a lot more individuals surrounding us that are dealing with these “elephants in the room” then what we know. I remember growing up and people talking about people that took pills for their nerves or that had a mental breakdown. My only thought of mental health issues were the extreme cases. In college some of my best friends dealt with depression but I really didn’t know what to think, how to help, or what to do. It was easier to simply ignore that part and build our friendship on so many other things. I have some very good friends who’s family members have dealt with severe depression. It has been an eye-opener.

Time to break the stigma

Time to break the stigma

What about me? It was February of 2015 when I finally admitted that I could not live the way I was anymore. I was angry. I was extremely irritable. I was tired. I felt stuck with my career. I felt like I was constantly surrounded by a great big gray cloud. I told myself I had no reason to feel this way. We had recently bought our home in the country. My boys were healthy and happy. We had a fabulous school, daycare, and friends close by. I have an amazing man I call my husband who loves me more than I could ever imagine. So in my mind I kept telling myself to just get over it. Look at all those other people with things so much worse than me. But I just couldn’t break it.

The Tipping Point? One night Little Bear decided to pour his own milk without assistance which resulted in a spill. I flipped out. I yelled at him. The look on his face will be forever etched in my memory. I cried. I called my doctor the next day. In visiting with her she said you are suffering from depression and anxiety. Wow. At the time I was reluctant to accept that. We talked. She prescribed a low dose antidepressant and said to call if anything came up and see her again in a month. I admit I felt defeated. I somehow felt inferior or less able because I couldn’t snap out of it on my own.

I’m a reader. I read lots of books and news articles and realized she was right. Then this amazing thing happened after starting on antidepressants my mood started to brighten and the irritability went away. Fast forward to today. I switched my meds a few times and started seeing a counselor therapist life coach as well. And through all of this I am happier now. I am stronger now. I am more focused now. I am a better wife. And most importantly I am a better mom.

The Reason Why I do what I do. Little Bear at the bike rodeo last fall.

The Reason Why I do what I do. Little Bear at the bike rodeo last fall.

Raising a child with special healthcare needs adds a tremendous amount of stress to a person and a family. Some studies say that parents of children with autism exhibit the same symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder as soldiers coming back from combat. It is always being at a heightened sense of awareness 24/7/365. It’s the lack of sleep. It’s the constant doctor appointments and meetings to schedule and keep track of. It’s the fear that grips your heart every time your phone rings and it’s from school, daycare or the doctor’s office. Because every email, every text, every phone call has the potential to rock your entire world to the core. And until you have lived with a child with a disability it’s really hard to understand what anxiety really means. I have many friends with kids with disabilities. And the more we talk and the more we share the more I see myself in them. I am no longer ashamed to admit that I need help. I think we all need help in some ways at some time in our life. I have struggled to admit this to my own family and some of my friends but not anymore. Nobody says that you have to go on an antidepressant. Nobody says you have to see a counselor/therapist/life coach. Nobody wants to say I need help.

So this is my way of giving myself permission to say I need help and I’m getting help. Hopefully one person out there reading this will have the courage to admit that they to need help.

Maybe you need to call your pastor. Maybe you just need a visit with a trusted friend. Maybe you really just need somebody to come and help you clean your house or rake your yard or maybe make a meal. If someone approaches you and asks for a listening ear or a little help – give it. You may not know what that person is truly dealing with right now and you might just be enough to give them the strength and ability to face another day.

Why write about this now? You see my employer had the opportunity to allow an individual with a disability who is working with the vocational rehabilitation program to come into our office for a couple hours a week as a volunteer/job shadow to get a feel for what opportunities might exist for this individual. The majority of our office personnel are on board. But after two days of this individual coming to our office I find myself extremely anxious when this person is there. It has nothing to do with the person’s ability actually they do a fabulous job. It’s attitude I sense from others. It’s the attitude of why do we have to do this? Why did this person have to come here. What if something bad happens? What if…what if…what if… It almost feels like discrimination.

Then my Fierce Mama Bear personality takes over and I start to worry about the Discrimination little Bear is going to face someday. I fear for the discrimination Nate and I have or will have to face as parents of a child with special needs. I feel angry. Angry that we live in a world that still finds it okay to discriminate on the basis of anything. I’m angry at myself for all those times in my life that I discriminated against someone. Thankfully because of where I am at in life and the meds I take, the counselor I see and the amazing friends and family I have, I can tell myself that it’s okay. Because of my faith I can say a prayer and ask for forgiveness for all the times I was guilty of discrimination and I can say a prayer to forgive others for their acts of discrimination. And I can take that anger and use it as fuel to further my advocacy skills. It’s my job to do whatever I can to ensure a little less discrimination for Little Bear. It’s my job to get him involved so he makes friends that’ll have his back and that will be there for him.

You see anxiety doesn’t hold me hostage any more. I am using it to make myself a better person. A better friend. A better wife. A better mom. And a better advocate. So hopefully I can make the world a better place for my sons.

If you or someone you know is facing anxiety or depression or any thoughts of hopelessness or suicide, please reach out to someone. Anyone. A phone call, a text, an email, anything to anyone. You matter. And there is help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Everyone has a reason to take care of themselves…these 3 are mine.

Everyone has a reason to take care of themselves...these 3 are mine.