In Good Times and In Bad

October 1996. I was working at Fleet Farm in Fargo, ND in the service center. Me. The lone female with 16 guys or so. It was a great working environment! Fleet Farm hired this guy from Glenwood, MN that was attending NDSU, majoring in Agriculture Systems Management (ASM). I was told I was to train him on the job. 

His first day he walked in wearing black Wrangler jeans, an IH belt buckle (that’s International Harvester for you non-farm followers – it’s the original red tractor brand) and a red jacket with a IH 1456 tractor on the back and “Nate” printed on the front. Blonde hair, blue eyes, all American farm boy. 

My first thought was, “nice – a good looking farm boy, I can handle that.” Then a quick thought of “now that’s the kind of guy I can see myself with.” Quickly followed by “what the heck…you just ended a bad rebound relationship, the last thing you need is another guy.” Phew……good thing he is just a co-worker and someone I have to train. 

Fast forward a month or two and we started dating. Yes, as Nate will tell you our whole relationship is based on a lie. I might have told a little white lie that due to being only 20 at the time that I didn’t have any alcohol in my possession and after a LONG, busy day at work (Black Friday and the opening of Toyland for those familiar with Fleet Farm) I could really use a cold beer. (I may have had a Bud Lite or 2 in my dorm fridge, who is to say?!?) Nate has always been the kind of guy who likes to visit, is truly kind hearted and like most young college guys, perhaps a tiny bit niave. He invited me over for a beer after work. 

The rest is history.

One of the 1st pics we have. Ag Engineering show February 1997.

Then began the winter of 1996-1997 with record snowfall, record blizzards followed by a record flood. Nate left for Iowa for an internship and came back to Fargo in December. He proposed one year to the day since we started dating. 

We finished college while planning our wedding for June 5, 1999.

Fast forward, Nate graduated from NDSU, we moved to Jackson, MN, he started his job at then Soilteq, a division of AgChem, and we got married in about four weeks time. 

The wedding was an event to remember. One of our attendants was arrested the night before the wedding (underage, a bar, a another person’s ID. I still giggle every year. This person just messaged me saying how happy they were to be doing laundry last night instead of in jail!) There was a small fire on the altar during the ceremony. A whole lot of people, in the neighborhood of 400. Drank the Ramkota Hotel in Aberdeen out of beer. Cops were called in the wee wee hours of the morning for a noise complaint. My family all ran from the cops. Old faithful (a new nickname for an old friend) and so many more stories. 

Our wedding party. Some of the best people in the world in this picture.

Wedding vows. In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. For richer and for poorer. Until death do us part. 

We were so very young. So excited to say those words. Little did we know that those 20+ words would be so true, so hard, so amazing, and so full of love.

My favorite pic from our wedding. We walked out of church, stopped and kissed. Totally unplanned.

18 years. We’ve celebrated good times. We’ve survived bad times and will continue to do so. We’ve supported each other through depression and anxiety and high risk pregnancy and the diagnosis of a child with a brain malformation and through whole winter’s without the stomach flu and always knowing full well that we are blessed beyond belief in the health department. 

Richer and poorer. Fiscal business has to be one of the most difficult pieces of marriage. Debt. School loans. Credit cards. Vehicles.  House. Medical bills. Low paying jobs. Awesome sounding jobs that just don’t materialize. Lost jobs. Pay cuts. Pay raises. Commissions. Unexpected break downs. Bad decisions. Budgets. Loans. Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University. When it comes to money issues we have got this “poorer” part down to a science. 

When it comes to love we get richer and richer every day. 

If you know us at all, you know how true this all is. If you are new to my blog check out some past writings to learn more. 

Marriage. It truly takes two. Two to make the good times and two to get through the bad times. It takes faith. Faith in God the father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Faith in yourself. Faith in your partner. Faith. 

One of my favorite places to regroup. Our church, Calvary Lutheran in Grand Forks.

You see in marriage you are never alone. There have been many times where I have been physically alone while Nate may be out on the road, but in my mind and my heart…I am never alone.

Supportive. I support Nate and he supports me. Sometimes at the same time. Sometimes at different times. Sometimes for a moment or an hour or a day. Sometimes for months on end. 

One of the best parts of marriage is simply knowing that someone always has your back. It is learning and growing. It is watching myself transform into a kinder and less confrontational person. It is watching Nate become a little more out spoken and sometimes being a little more realistic. (Still farming on the moon, just not the entire moon!) 

Today we celebrate in two different states. I in ND with our Rockstar and Nate in MN with Little Bear. Both boys with appointments and summer activities. 

Little Bear and Rockstar. Always bringing you a smile.

So begins another fun and busy summer. So begins the next 18 years of marriage.  I have no idea what the next hour or day or week or year may hold for us but I don’t care. As long as we have each other, we will look to the future with hope and excitement and trust and faith. 

To those that have been married for many, many years….thanks for the example and encouragement.  To those newly married or about to get married….take your vows seriously. Things will be bad and things will be ugly but the good times will come and they will out shine all the rest. 

Say I love you. Give hugs. Get angry sometimes. Dream together. Apologize. Love. 

18 years. 7 addresses. 9 vehicles. 3 pregnancies. 2 amazing boys. 14 employers. Times of unemployment for both of us. 6 daycare providers. 5 schools. Too many funerals and weddings to count. Births of nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews. 2 individuals living 1 marriage. All from 1 day at a Fleet Farm. 

Our little Farm Bureau vacation to Pittsburgh in February.

Happy Anniversary Babe! May the next lifetime be as good as all the previous ones. 

Grief.

“If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away” by Justin Moore.  “Drink a Beer” by Luke Bryan.   “Just a Girl” by No Doubt.  “Rory’s Radio” by Ashton Shepherd. “The Dance” by Garth Brooks.  “In Heaven There is No Beer” original composer Ralph Maria Siegel.  “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band.  “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw

A favorite tree on the road to the farm.

Song titles.  All tied to memories.

“The Dance” by Garth Brooks.  Stops me dead in my tracks every time.  Most of the time it brings me to tears.   The first time I saw Garth in concert was about a year after a good friend of mine from high school died in a car accident.  That concert night when the intro started for “The Dance” I lost it.  Tears fell freely.  I missed Clint something fierce.  We were never more than friends in high school but we had become closer as time went on in college.  If you are not familiar “The Dance” talks about how I’d change things if I had only known, but then I would have had to miss the dance.

Now when I hear it I think of Dad and Tim and Clint and Angela and, and, and……

Grief.  It sucks.  It is necessary.  It is ugly.  It is lonely.  It does get better but it never goes away.

This week – Seven years ago my Dad passed away after a fight with lung cancer.  This same week – Six years ago my oldest brother Tim passed away after a hard-fought battle with cancer as well.

There is a cemetery just south of our house. I finally stopped one morning last fall to capture this sunrise picture. Peace.

This week.  Every year. Sucks. Cancer sucks.  Grief sucks.  Tim was diagnosed with cancer weeks before Dad died from cancer.  Re-read that last sentence.  Yes, my oldest brother, the rock of the family, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, with six months to live, just weeks before our Dad died – from cancer.

It was hell.  I was numb as I am sure the rest of the family was too.  Cancer sucks.  Death sucks.  The two attacking at the same time is beyond belief.

Dad’s US Army picture late 1950’s. (That glimmer in his eyes can be seen in Little Bear’s eyes a lot.)

May 18.  Dad’s birthday.  He would have been 82.  Dad passed away after a hard-fought battle with the dreaded C word in 2010.  Valentine Malsom.  Born, raised and lived his whole life near Ipswich, SD.  Anyone that knew Dad knew he couldn’t spell.  Math – he was a wiz.  Spelling….not so much.  Dad taught all of us how to remember how to spell Ipswich correctly.  (I Pee South West I Catch Hell.)  I don’t think I can even type it or write it without saying that in my head.  Dad was a jokester.  He loved to have a good time (sometimes probably too good of a time!) and he loved to tell jokes and try to get one over on you.  Speaking of which….“Have you heard the latest?”

A man who worked hard, played hard, served his country in the US Army and always had time for a joke or a visit.  Yes he is missed, but I see so many of his traits in Little Bear.  And it makes me smile.  I can only imagine the trouble the two of them could have gotten into.

Grief comes in lots of ways and over lots of reasons.  Mom and Dad struggled through the 1980’s ag crisis.  They didn’t lose the farm per se but they did quit farming most of the land and had an equipment auction sale.  I must wonder if Dad grieved the loss of so much of the farm?  Or did he silently rejoice?  You see the older I get the more I ponder these things.  Sometimes I just wish for one more conversation with Dad.  As Nate and I face our own struggles right now, I wonder what Dad would say?

Tim. My oldest brother by 16 years.  He wasn’t even living at home anymore by the time I remember.  I do remember him coming home in his canary yellow Firebird. Sparky, the dog, would wait by the driveway and I could hear the car long before you could see it.  It was so exciting when Tim came home.  Advance several years, Tim lived in Aberdeen and was dating his wife and I was just as excited when they came out to the farm on a sunday afternoon.  Then Tim started dirt track racing.  #10 Forever!  I loved racing.  I lived for Friday night racing.  I even accepted summer jobs based on having race nights off.  I can count on one hand how many races I missed over his 10 odd years of racing.  To say Tim was my hero is probably an understatement.  During those years I had the time of my life!  Stories.   Good times.  Memories.  So many lessons learned.  Once Tim had a family the race care was silenced.  In a way I believe I suffered from a bit of grief over that as well.

Tim’s last race car. 1997 What I wouldn’t give to watch that car make one more lap….

Tim lived within 30 miles of Mom and Dad so we all knew that he was available to look after them and help them out along with our sister Anita who lives on the farm.  When Dad was nearing the end, I know I for one, felt at peace knowing that Tim and Anita were still close by to look after and help out Mom.

But then….a phone call I remember as though it was yesterday.  Tim.  The doctors say it is cancer.  They aren’t sure what they can do.  They say I have 6 months to live.  How do you respond?  How do you even begin to process?

Then Dad died.  We hurried and had the funeral so Tim could go to Mayo Clinic.  How do you grieve your Dad when you are now focused on your brother?  That whole next year is a blur to me yet.  (Oh yeah we moved from Starbuck, MN to Grand Forks, ND that year as well.)

Memorial Day weekend we went to Lennox, SD to help my brother Adam with a project and on the way home we stopped in Watertown for supper.  Nate and I talked and decided on a whim to drive to Aberdeen to see Tim in the hospital and then spend the night at my Mom’s.  That night on our way out of the hospital room I said “We’ll talk to you tomorrow.”  By early the next morning Mom got the phone call saying Tim had passed away.  Tomorrow never came.

I remember Tim laughing and enjoying Austin’s reactions so much that day. One of the last pictures I have of Tim. (His daughter Natalie in the background.)

I am no expert in grief.  What I do know is that in the 40 years I have been on this earth I have buried my Dad,  my oldest brother Tim, two of my sisters, Junill and Louise, several cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma’s (both of my grandpa’s were gone before I was born), and some very close friends.  I’ve suffered a miscarriage myself.  Death sucks. Grief sucks. There is no ten-step program for getting through grief.  There is no time frame.  There is no handbook or manual or guidelines or rules.  Grief.  It affects every person differently.  It affects the same person differently each time it is faced.  Grief is hard.  Grief is freeing.  Grief is unstoppable tears and a happy smile of remembrance.

The grief from Tim still sneaks up on me.  It can be a song, a sound, a race car going down the interstate, my boys doing silly things Uncle Tim taught them and the tears will fall.

Girls weekend! Angela was such a fun-loving, crazy women. She is the one in front.

Just a year ago now, one of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer.  She lasted less than six months.  The grief from loosing Angela is still fresh and sometimes raw.  It is unbelievably hard to attend the funeral for your friend from college.  Someone your age. Someone with little kids and a husband and a loving family.  It sucks.  The grief is real. The pain is real.

I wish I had an easy fix it plan for dealing with grief but I do not.  I have my faith which is my rock in these times.  I have my boys and my friends and my garden and my ND prairie sunsets to bring me peace.  There are professionals too.  Counselors, therapists, pastors, and professional grief centers.  We all have our coping mechanisms – try to keep them healthy though.  Ask for help.  Talk to someone.  Grief sucks.  You aren’t crazy.  Don’t deal with it alone.

Grief isn’t just for death though.  Grief can be for a lost job or a lost home or a lost relationship.  We all have ideas and dreams and goals for our job, our home, our relationships and when those things don’t go like we think they should, there is a sense of loss and grief.

Having a child with a disability brings on grief too.  At diagnosis time, you as parents and family go through a grieving process.  When you have a child, you have dreams and plans for them.  It might be for them to be a great sports star or the doctor that finds the cure for cancer and then all those dreams are thrown out the window. You are forced down a completely different road and there is grief.  Grief for what might have been.

Have I been faced with all kinds of grief?  Yes.  Does that make me an expert?  Absolutely not. All I know for sure is that grief sucks and follows no rules.  All I can give you is advice to face it and to not do it alone.  We’ve all been there.  Sometimes a good cry or a walk is all that is needed.  Call someone, anyone, even me.

Taken by my brother Adam. This beer’s for you!

As for me, just know the next time Luke Bryan comes on the radio with “Drink a Beer” I will stop what I’m doing, smile towards heaven and say “Thanks Tim for watching over me.”  Or if I happen to have a beer in hand, I’ll raise it.

If I see a mouse, even a fake one, I’ll smile and say thanks Ang. Or if “I’m just a Girl” comes on the radio I’ll know to contact the rest of our clan of girls from college to just make sure we keep in contact.

When we have root beer floats or homemade chocolate shakes I’ll pause a moment to remember Dad and how these were a favorite treat and a reminder to pause a few moments to enjoy family time.

When I hear “In Heaven There is No Beer” I smile because I don’t know if I believe that.  I’m pretty certain Dad and Tim either snuck some with them or they are brewing it themselves!

I guess sometimes grief comes to remind us of all the good in the life and that even though our loved ones may be gone they are never forgotten.

Till next time,

Shine on, even through the tears.

By the way – the latest?  It isn’t out yet.

Dad about 6 months before he lost his battle from cancer. Even sick, he still was being silly.